Michael Bay Makes Boobs Go BOOM!

It’s no secret that director Michael Bay can only reach a sexual climax if he’s exploding. That’s common knowledge. But can you blame him? We all love it when stuff exploded in a fiery rage of hellfire. Michael just likes it more than most.

It doesn’t matter what object may be exploding. Michael just wants that thing to not exist anymore.  Be it a helicopter, the city of Paris, Pearl Harbor, or supermodels, it matters not. In a Michael Bay world, things just don’t cease to be, or fade away elegantly. They go out gloriously while our heroes walk away from it looking awesome.

Which brings us to Michael Bay’s latest work. A Victoria Secret commercial. Yes, it has explosions. It has helicopters.

This video is the perfect encapsulation of everything Michael Bay is. In a Michael bay world, everyone is a smoking hot babe that’s a part of a secret government task force that has a very slack dress code. In a Michael Bay world, these super-sexy super-spys refuse to play by the rules, as exhibited by the hot babe playing pool on all-fours on the pool table as opposed to the conventional standing-next-to-the-fucking-thing manner.

In a Michael bay world, shit never gets done because everyone (the entire world filled with hot babes) is too busy posing for cameras that aren’t even there. Also, they’ve abandoned big cities – the global hubs for commerce – and have chose to live in rural areas filled with dusty plains and perpetually setting suns.

In a Michael Bay world, all doors must be opened with intensity, and all people walking through those doors must be nearly naked and slightly angry at something at the other end of that room.

In a Michael Bay world, there’s a spiral staircase in the middle of the goddamn desert that leads to nothing because, and I reiterate, it’s the goddamn desert.

Sure, the prospect of living in a Michael Bay world may sound incredible, that is, until you realize that when all of those hot babes open their mouths, they only speak in action movie clichés and ridiculous one liners.