Merry Christmas to All and to All Oral Sex

Remember how there was that time you took a funny picture of your friend, maybe they were doubled over in pain after a football to the groin and the dog came over and it was cute for 2 seconds because it looked like the dog was concerned, but then the dog tried to hump your crippled friend’s face and you thought that photo would make an excellent Christmas card?  This story is just like that except with no dogs and more premeditated hate.

In Tennessee, the land that makes news like this possible, a certain fellow is said to have taken photos of his lady friend, quite without her consent mind you, while her head was down and otherwise occupied so as she was not able to notice he had a camera.  We assume she was gobbling his weiner.  The alternative is that she was facing away from him giving the weiner a squish wash, but that seems less plausible as the photo would just be of her back and barring some distinctive birth marks that’s hardly going to work for what he eventually did.

So, with photos in hand, he proceeded to make them into Christmas cards for her family.  This means he either took the photos in secret and planned on one day creating Christmas cards with them, in case they ever broke up or he reached that level of comfort with her family at which he figured they’d be cool with pictures of their family member gobbling dong as opposed to reindeer playing or whatever, or he secretly took them just for kicks so he could keep them in a shoebox full of other creepy shit like hair he’d stolen from drains at the Y and pictures he’d drawn of boobs as a child (and likely as an adult.)

Naturally, the hardworking investigative journalists at FunnyCrave couldn’t let the story end there.  Sure, he send dirty pictures as a Christmas card, but what’s the real scoop?   Turns out this isn’t the first time he’s spread holiday cheer with inappropriate content.  Take a look:

50^th Anniversary card for mom and dad – photo of a wicked chili shit

Birthday card for 5 year old nephew – photo of Mickey Mouse being beaten with a rake

Sympathy card for sick friend – photo of wicked chili shit with sick friend photoshopped in

Valentine’s card for girlfriend – photo of her mom taken with hidden toilet cam

Thank you card to business client – goatse

Card for best friend’s wedding – photo of tranny hooker from Vegas

Wish you were here card – photo of group senior citizen sex

Thinking of you (animated e-card) – DIY enema

As we can see, this man is just a misunderstood creative tour de force.  Hopefully the charges laid against him won’t affect the rest of his card-sending activities as the world simply doesn’t have enough people who care enough to send cards anymore.