You never know what can lead to a big scientific breakthrough. One day you could be suffering from Restless Leg Syndrome, and then the next you find yourself cranking one out in an Applebee’s restroom and, all of a sudden, your restless legs are resting calmly among your sheets and pillows while you sleep later that night.

While that may be a ridiculous example of the amazing unpredictability of science and medical discovery, it also happens to be true…to an extent.

Luis “Hey That’s My Name Too” Marin from the Federal University of Sao Paulo, Brazil, recently published a finding in the medical journal Sleep Medicine. The case he presented was a peculiar one: Luis made the claim that one of his patients, a long-time sufferer of Restless Leg Syndrome, had jerked his jimmy legs away through the healing power of masturbation. Sadly, Applebee’s was not actually involved. I lied about that. I’m a liar.

In his letter sent to Sleep Medicine Luis said of the masturbation self-medication, “The patient reported that he would get complete relief from RLS symptoms, granting him normal sleep following sexual intercourse or masturbation.”

It should be noted that this is merely a single case study, so it doesn’t prove much of anything. Scientists have long since admitted that they aren’t quite sure what causes RLS, and therefore aren’t even 100% sure how it can be cured.

Now, folks, I’m not claiming to know what causes RLS, other than maybe my theory about all of your bed bugs rubbing themselves together to build up large amounts of static electricity so they can shock the shit out of you juuuuust as you’re about to fall asleep, but I do have a theory as to why the symptoms of RLS are alleviated after masturbation.

Here’s a graphic explaining my theory:


This is a picture of a man with RLS.

As you can see, his leg’s semen reserves are packed to the rafters with man juice. Maybe he’s recently broken up with his girlfriend and is having a hard time trying to find someone that will do something, anything, to his penis.

After a while, these reserves can no longer contain the high levels of backed up semen, so they become agitated, and the semen attempts to find its own way out of the body, resulting in spontaneous kicks as the man sleeps. The agitation is represented in the graphic as angry little faces popping out of large puddles of semen.

But, when the lonely man gives his undercarriage a little bit of a rattling, his semen reserves settle down and their faces turn from angry to inquisitive.


Until finally the lonely man releases the pressure, his legs are emptied and he’s able to sleep peacefully once again.

That, or he’s dead. I’m not too sure why he has X’s for eyes.


It’s simple science, people.