Man Tries To Kill Fake Goose. Yes, Alcohol Was Involved

It seems our earlier report of a wild gang of rebellious turkeys terrorizing a New Jersey family has sparked a one man quasi-revolution against all things avian.

A 28-year-old man in Rochester, Minnesota was recently arrested and charged with the felony of punching and headbutting a statue of a goose. The man was attending a wedding that apparently served alcoholic beverages intravenously because at the time of his arrest the man’s blood alcohol level was at an impressive .28. (Little known fact: .28 is the blood alcohol level in which the mind assumes all birds are demons that must be on the receiving end of swift, drunken justice).

The man’s actual reason for attempting to decapitate the goose statue with his fist was “just because it was a goose.” That’s not a joke. That’s his real reason. Will is hold up in court? Probably. Our justice system is fucked so it wouldn’t be surprising.

The prettied-up goose is a part of the Rochester Arts Council’s “The Goose is Loose” public art promotion. We sent an Email to the Rochester Arts Council asking the all important question of “What the fuck, man? ‘The Goose is Loose’? What kind of shit is that? Seriously!” In response, the Arts Council sent us a rather lengthy response too incoherent to reproduce.  The only logical portion of the Email was this:

“The Goose Lords cometh.  Praise thy Goose Lord.”