Man Rapes Burgers in UK

If you have any loved ones, you’d better sit them down.  FunnyCrave doesn’t normally like to delve into the seedy underbelly of journalism but sometimes a story is so powerful, so dark, we owe it to you, our readers, to cover it.  If shit like a war breaks out, we’ll let Wolf Blitzer and Ellen Degeneres cover it, but when it’s something serious, we’re the intrepid reports who once met people who have journalism degrees who’ll cover it for you, no matter how fucked the story is.  CNN has a “this is too fucked” threshold, but we don’t. We want everything to be fucked.  So huddle close with the family and read on.

Some dude totally fucked a burger.  Two burgers.  And English dude just ripped two hamburgers to pieces with nothing but rage cock and maybe a delivery boy was killed in the process, it’s hard to say.  It’s all so confusing, here in the aftermath.  Oh God, the humanity!

As reported by the good people at Metro.co.uk, there was an incident.  See, this guy was watching TV with his family and they ordered food.  And the food showed up but two burgers were missing.  So they decided to wait for the other two burgers to show up.  And then a delivery guy showed up and paid $15?  Or maybe the guy who ordered the food paid $15.  And then police showed up.  And now the guy who ordered food is charged with causing criminal damage to food valued at $5.  It’s so intense the original people who reported it could barely sort it all out, due to the unbridled intensity.

Now that’s pretty much the confusing end to the story as reported at the metro website, but FunnyCrave is not run by pussies.  There isn’t a single pussy here.  Fuck, none of us have even been near a pussy, we don’t roll like that.  So we went to the source and found the delivery guy (who may be dead!) and talked to him (or his corpse!) about what happened.  Here’s the real deal;

Delivery Boy:  Right, so I was dropping off some hams at this wanker’s flat, see?

FunnyCrave:  And did he rape them?

DB:  Cor Blimey he did, guvnah!

FC:  Ha!  Told ya!

So there you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth (corpse’s mouth!).  Dude rage fucked two hamburgers.  That’s nuts.