Lobster Taser + CrustaStun = Awesome

A company in the UK has finally taken seafood to that level where it’s no longer vaguely offensive smelling shit from the sea and is now an exercise in teaching your food who’s boss before consuming it, something we assume PETA and its supporters can get behind (if yesterday’s post on PETA and the reaction it got is any indicator).

CrustaStun, the best named company outside of the world of adult novelties, is a company that produces taser specifically to be used on shellfish.  Up until now the rest of us could only tase dirty hippies, elderly relatives and occasionally conservative politicians attempting to kiss babies before they gave the infants herpes and/or intolerance.  But now, finally, it’s time to tase the shit out of dinner.

The machine is kind of disappointing as it looks pretty much like a photocopier you stick a lobster in, but arguably you could outfit it with some spikes and buzzing electrodes or flame decals in a pinch.  The idea is that you put Mr. Pinchy in the machine and it zaps the crustacean six ways from Sunday which is apparently more human than being boiled alive as the electricity shuts down whatever’s going on inside the lobster (or crab, for your weirdos) such that it can no longer feel any pain.  It just blissfully dies in a haze of utter confusion and mild suffocation.

This machine will clearly be brilliant not just for restaurants where people would rather not listen to the ingredients let loose a tiny scream before they’re cooked, but also homes.  And not just because we all need to cook lobster, but because before anyone knows what this thing is you’ll probably easily be able to trick dozens of friends into putting their hand inside it.

The website’s tagline assures you and I, concerned consumers, that this is the world’s first humane electronic crustacean stunner and you know what?  I believe them.  Sure, we all remember that fiasco with Wal Mart’s Crabtatsic Crab Zapper but that thing was straight up bullshit.  The CrustaStun is the real deal, kids.

The product is not without some dissent however, as chefs have pointed out that you can humanely kill a lobster by putting it in a plastic bag then popping it in the freezer for two hours.  We wanted to try this at the FunnyCrave offices but we’re not exactly the lobster crowd.  We did, however, managed to wrap one of our interns in plastic wrap and get his head and upper body to fit into the beer fridge.  Two hours later and he was still alive, but he had stopped swearing somewhat.  So we call shenanigans and are awaiting our chance to buy a CrustaStun.