Leukemia, The Fat Racist Southern Sheriff of CancersBy David Dietle
According to a study that was released recently, leukemia is rarer in blacks and Hispanics than in whites, but kills a higher percentage of those that contract it, leading science to believe that in addition to being plain evil, leukemia is racist. The study showed that among the two types of acute leukemia (acute lymphoblastic leukemia and acute myelogenous leukemia), both showed a markedly greater death rate among blacks and Hispanics than whites, despite the fact that significantly more white people actually contracted the disease.
This leads us to conclude that acute leukemia is bigoted; it tries to avoid those that are different from the paler European stock. Perhaps the virulent, murderous disease has a greater interest in typically white activities, targeting people with red necks and white skin, or perhaps it is drawn to the sausage rich, sun-lacking lifestyle that defines so many white people. Maybe the spicier, more energetic Latin and African influenced food and music drives the cancer to live in the more rural, white populated suburbs that dot the nation.
Likewise, leukemia might also be likened to the bitter white unemployed Republican types; when it does wind up inside those of non-distinctly Caucasian descent, perhaps it grows in anger, making it more deadly, blaming its host for perhaps the state of the economy or a recently lost job due to Affirmative action.
Also, cancer makes people bald in an attempt to turn them into skinheads.
Or perhaps, as some have suggested, I don’t really understand how cancer works, which I don’t get because I have seen Steel Magnolias, and Julia Roberts has diabetes in that, a kind of cancer that infects fat people, if I understand it right. I also re-watched the South Park where Kenny dies of a bone disease, so while some “doctors” may say I am misrepresenting the data, I counter with the Jenny McCarthy defense, which is as bullet-proof as anything Johnny Cochran used, and he’s alive in well in Bermuda these days; I feel this is right.
While the ignorant masses, hiding behind their PHds harrumph and say things like “socioeconomic factors and access to care may be playing an important role“, I can feel confident in my assessment that cancers are simply bitter at their lot when they wind up in a minority American because they are ignorant and petty, and anyone who disagrees is probably on cancer’s side (and is a racist).