Learning About Me Through FormSpring.me

Look at us – giving you our opinions on the world as if we really matter. To you, the loyal Funny Crave reader, we might as well be a computer program with an algorithm specifically designed to spit out little nuggets of comedy. We have no face, we have no warmth or blood. We are just a bunch of totally awesome words on a white web page.

That changes today.

Today, I’m going to show you who I, Luis Prada, really am. To give some kind of structure to this great reveal, I’m going to employ the usage of an outside source. Formspring.me is a unique website, in that when you sign up, you are then sent a number of random, user created questions. All you have to do is answer them and that’s it. No muss, no fuss. Just get random questions in your FormSpring inbox and write up an answer.

I have meticulously chosen a number of questions that I feel will cover a wide range of who I am as a person — questions that deal with my personality, my background, my upbringing, my loves, my hates. At the end, I hope you will have attained a greater understanding of who I am as a person, and a greater understanding of yourself and the reasons you laugh.

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If you could go back in time 10 years and tell your younger self something, what would it be?

Never take candy from strangers. The razor blades in them are always dull and rusty, and they can’t be use for a goddamn thing.

What was the worst advice you’ve ever received?

I was once told to never punch a baby. At one time in my life this made total sense. But, sadly, this view is idyllic and it ignores reality. Some babies need to have their soft skulls rocked with a fist of steel, lest they mature in to fully developed assholes. You gotta catch the assholes, douchebags and pricks while they’re young, before they grow up and become hedge fund managers or morning drive-time radio DJs.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

I want my body stuffed with gears and servos so in the middle of my funeral the casket pops open and I raise up and robotically start to sing the theme song from Step By Step. Imagine it like Disney’s Hall of Presidents but with 100% more dead me.

Who and when was your first kiss?

It was preschool and her name was Kimberly. My only other memory of her, other than the one where we kissed, involves another girl just sitting in class doing nothing one minute, then vomiting up what looked like peach slices the next. No warning. No gag lead up. Just bored to puke in the blink of an eye. Kimberly sat across from her and said, “Eww, that’s gross.” Then, in consummate bitch fashion, she said “I never throw up.”

She may as well have followed that up with “And cut to…” because about an hour later, as we were being let out to the playground, I was greeted by the sight of Kimberly vomiting in to a garbage can as a teacher held back her hair. What a classy-ass chick.

What would be the best thing about being an Astro-Physicist?

The pussy.

Favorite pair of underwear?

All underwear has the potential to be the best pair of underwear. You’ve just gotta be creative. For instance, you may think that a generic pair of tighty-whities might be unexciting and dull. You may even go as far as to say that they’re useless because you don’t use the crotch flap when you pee; you just pull your penis over the top. Well, I came up with a solution to all of those problems.

It’s so stupidly simple that you’re going to smack yourself for not thinking of it first: wear them backwards. No, seriously. If you have the butt over the crotch and the crotch over the butt, life becomes so much more fun. When you have to pee, you just flip over the top as you usually would. If you have to poop, you have a nice little door over your booty hole for your poop pass through.

With this simple modification to pee/poop technology, you can cop a squat and poop in public without worrying about exposing your private bits.

Ever think of moving to another state?

Yes, I often dream of moving to Detroit, but I have some weird allergies that prevent me from doing so. For example, I’m allergic to being stabbed.

Have you cosplayed yourself?

No, but every year I attend an anime convention that a friend of mine helps run. I’m not big in to anime, so I just show up for moral support. But, I gotta tell’ya, seeing all those kids dressed up as their favorite anime characters is a once-a-year reminder that there are worse things in life than my heroin addiction.

What are your current goals and aspirations? With anything that you are passionate about or hoping to further your career in.

My current goal (as written in my day planner) is, and I quote, “Think about masturbating.” By that I don’t mean think about masturbating myself. It’s more like I’m setting aside some time in my busy day to ponder and pontificate the very essence of the masturbation process, and how it relates to the chaos theory. Like, does the light breeze generated by my down stroke cause a rain storm in Taiwan? How about the collected effects of all of my strokes? Are the rhythmic vibrations of my masturbation the cause of all the earthquakes that have been happening around the world?

If that final question proves to be true, I will use my conclusion as yet another way to terrify my future children in to thinking that playing with their genitals kills people. Of course, I’ve yet to figure out a way to logically explain how every time a human masturbates; an angel chokes on a cheese sandwich.

What’s something you see every day that makes you sad?

Homeless people. I don’t get it. They have mouths. Get to sucking. An entrepreneurial homeless person could conceivably suck themselves in to a mansion and a 40 car garage in less than a year.

Shredder had the Foot Clan. Rita Repulsa had the Putties. What would you use as a mass number of expendable goons?

Interns. They’ll do anything as long as you tell them they’ll get a college credit out of it. They come in handy when you’re trying to take over the world and the team of young, superpowered martial artists endued with an ancient mystical power try to defeat you. The superpowered team would most likely be comprised of high school to college aged kids anyway. So I could just offer one of them a chance to do my bidding for a semester and BAM! No more band of heroes to take me down.

Where would you like to spend your retirement?

On an island somewhere in the pacific, living among some indigenous peoples. But then, one day, out of the blue comes Ian and Adam riding in on a helicopter. They step out and say, “Luis, the world needs you now more than ever.”  I’ll tell them that I am at peace now. I don’t want to go back to the world of espionage, murder and dick jokes. “I just can’t do it,” I’ll say. “I’ve got nothing left. I’ve got nothing witty or humorous to say about dicks anymore.” Then, they’ll show me a new medical advancement in dick technology. A cyber dick that can fuck itself and respond to multiple business-related Emails at once — and all with an initiative touch screen interface. To this I will say, “May the lord damn your souls for showing me this.” I will then get on the helicopter and fly back to the mainland to write dick jokes — the likes of which the world has never seen.