Lady Gaga Murders Photographer with Death Until he Died

Lady Gaga, better known as “that nutter,” has finally crossed the line.  She’s come close to it many times, oddly only due to the things she wears and the sort of medicated, disaffected way she seems to speak about everything. But much of that can be chalked up to eccentricity, and by eccentricity we mean a carefully, thoroughly staged persona meant to differentiate herself from the million other singers who would have been her had they ever thought to wear bloomers and wrapping paper as a shirt with a snow tire for a skirt.

FunnyCrave doesn’t debate the merits of music (we’ll mock your album cover or just outright say you suck, but we won’t debate it) so we’ll leave her talent to the critics and instead, we’ll focus today on her cold, heartless violence and anger.  Naturally, we’re talking about her killing a man.  You may have guessed that from the title of this post.  It was subtle, but it pointed you in this direction.

Celebrity photographer A.J. Sokalner, which we assume is the polite term for deranged paparazzi whose actual existence is dependent on other humans simply standing around in range of a camera, was at an event that Lady Gaga was invited to haunt for the evening.  As Gaga (is that what you call her?  Is it always lady or does she go by Barb or something?) was busy doing something like building a sculpture of Al Roker out of feta or trying to channel the spirit of Houdini or whatever the hell it is she does to be “different”, Sokalner was busy snapping photos.  Busy until he couldn’t be busy anymore.  Because you can’t be busy when you’re not alive.  And boy are you at your not alivest when you’re dead.  From a heart attack.

No one comes right out and says Lady Gaga killed this man, but on the other hand, no one comes out and says she didn’t.  For that matter, no one exonerated Glenn Beck and lord knows he needs blood to sustain himself and when he can’t find a unicorn to feast from, paparazzi are the next best thing (Ed. Note – we’ve long believed that on the mythical evolutionary family tree, unicorns and paparazzi are pretty close together.  You’d think Pegasus, but that’s ignorant).

At first you’d be tempted to be all “Yo FunnyCrave, you guys is crazy.  This is what the scholars call a coincidence, and barely that.  It’s two separate occurrences – the presence of Lady Gaga and the tragic death of a man, which happened to take place at relatively the same place and time.” We’d hasten to agree, while wondering about the grammar in your first sentence, but then we’d point out how we’re just rehashing what other media sources have published – like real media sources staffed by people who went to college and have homes and shit.  They’re the ones who keep reporting this guy died after Lady Gaga showed up, and if that explicitly implicit connection isn’t enough to assume mainstream media is accusing Lady Gaga of hexing this man to death, we don’t know what is.

Anyway, watch out for Lady Gaga.  She might kill you.