KFC Makes Fat Ass Sandwich

Sandwiches have been around for months now.  Probably since at least the 1950’s.  And sure, they can be delicious and sure, if you heat up a Reuben for just a couple of seconds in the microwave it feels just like an artificial vagina on those chilly summer nights when you want to make love to something that smells like sauerkraut but we all know where the sandwich’s weakness lies.  The bread.  That fucking bread.  Whether it’s white or rye or pumpernickel, there’s no decent way to shine that turd into something brilliant.  Bread fucking sucks and it’s been ruining our country one sandwich at a time.  One time, bread punched a nun in the twat, I’m not even lying.  Bread sucks.

But lo, what’s this?  KFC, champions of health and taste, have come to our rescue.  The chicken pimps have created the culinary enema that is the Double Down sandwich, eschewing bread in favor of fried poultry, the way Jesus would have wanted.  Two pieces of fried chicken gently and lovingly hold bacon, cheese and some kind of white saucy substance that we’re going to assume isn’t the seminal fluid of KFC employees because why would anyone want to sabotage this work of art in such a way?

If Colonel Sanders were allowed to keep slaves in heaven he’d probably be feeding them this sandwich right now.  Odds are no one in the afterlife is eating it though.  But if you want to get there quicker you can eat one on the earthly plane if you, like these commercial spokesmen, feel the problem with traditional chicken sandwiches is that they don’t allow you to hold greasy meat in your bare hands.

As an added bonus, FOX news decided to cover the story and couldn’t get through a 50 second report on a fast food menu item without sounding completely smug and douche-filled no less than 5 times with the first time coming in a staggering two seconds!  See if you can find the rest.