Kanye West is Totally Dead

Consummate professional and friend of FunnyCrave Kanye West died yesterday and fuck if that don’t suck. News of his demise is all over Twitter, with some filthy websites spreading the rumor that Kanye is, in fact, still alive. Just because there’s pictures of him all up and walking around still and whatnot.

FunnyCrave wants you to sit down, world. Pull up a chair and you’re probably going to need a shot of tequila for this one. Just because a motherfucker is dead don’t mean he can’t still walk around. Are you new here? Is this everyone’s first day on the internet? Welcome to our site and oh, by the way, put on a helmet before zombie Kanye done ate your brain.

Now, we’re as upset as anyone by the prospect of zombie Kanye. Do we want zombie Kanye stealing our thunder? No. Do we want to have an awards show that has to get derailed for a solid 20 minutes while zombie Kanye slowly, laboriously, shuffles his decaying ass up on stages just to moan his displeasure about not winning most putrescent performer? No. Do we want to listen to zombie Kanye tell zombie Jeff Goldblum that he loves him but that zombie Abe Vigoda is by far the best not-really-dead celebrity? Fuck no. But it is what it is.

Let’s put aside the petty stuff and get down to brass tacks here. In life, Kanye West was a real shit. It’s OK to speak ill of the dead if they’re reanimated, it puts them back into the asshole zone. Now that he’s a zombie, he’s easily going to be 5 times worse. He’ll be way slower, so use that to your advantage lest he corner you and try to talk to you before eating you, but damn. Watch your back.

Zombie Kanye is likely to be more self important than you thought humanly possible, reason being he’s barely human anymore!

Zombie Kanye will start to eat you, but will probably not even finish because he’s pompous like that. You’re just going to be in pain, and then die, and then become the undead, and zombie Kanye will be the only fucking friend you can get! And he still won’t be your friend!

Zombie Kanye will still try to fuck bald, white chicks.

Zombie Kanye would take his sunglasses off, but he doesn’t want to make eye contact with you when he eats you.

Zombie Kanye will not try to eat 50 Cent or Taylor Swift.

Zombie Kanye will not finish college.

Zombie Kanye is pretty sure he is the best zombie ever, but if you want to let another zombie eat you, that’s cool, because maybe you’re retarded or something, and some people have to be that way.