Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction? Yes, please.By Luis Prada
Let’s say, you’re a writer. A writer that dreams of writing the next great American novel. A novel that speaks about the human condition and the trials and tribulations that people have to go through just to survive, just make something of themselves. But, you’re downfall as a writer is that you only know how to write about dinosaurs fucking each other as characters from Jurassic Park look on.
If this is your problem, the internet has a solution. It’s called the I.J.P.E.F.F.W.A, which is short for the International Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction Writers Association. And, as if that amazing name and bizarre pre-occupation with sexualizing Jurassic Park isn’t enough, they have a truly glorious website.
For those that fear that the highly radioactive amazing-ness of the site may do some permanent damage to their computer, here’s a screen cap of the page.
Yeah, that shit’s real. The site is from England, and England is apparently trapped in a bubble that exists outside of the flow of time, which is why their web design technology hasn’t evolved since 1995.
If you’re a regular reader of Funny Crave, or, more specially, a hardcore reader of Funny Crave (of which, there are about 2, give or take 2…mostly take), then you may have noticed that I reference Jurassic Park from time to time in my writings. This is because Jurassic Park is on my all-time favorites list. There are only a handful of movies that I know all the words to, and JP is one of them.
Take a look at the site again. See that series of multi-colored circles off to the right? That thing follows your curser everywhere. But as I looked at it, I knew I had seen it somewhere. Then, it hit me. It’s Mr. DNA!
I didn’t even have to look it up to know I was right. I just knew that shit. That’s both pathetic and, to me, goddamn incredible.
The design of the site plays second fiddle to the content of the page, which is, of course, Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fic…as advertized. I read a few of them and they are all of superb quality in terms of Fan Fic. But one stood out. It’s titled Raptor Rape Reversal, written by a guy named Glen Pickard, and it contains what is perhaps the single greatest line of prose ever written by man:
“Now the rape tables had turned!”
It’s even better when you read it in context, which is one raptor raping another raptor, then the raptor being raped starts to rape the raping raptor. Shit. Fuck. Yes!! Anytime I get to use alliteration when describing forced sex and animals that existed over 65 million years ago is a total win in my book.