Judging An Album By Its Cover: Redemption by Brooke Hogan

They say you should never judge a book by its cover.  Because we respect our elders, we take that antiquated idea to heart.  But notice, it mentions nothing about music.  Therefore, we reserve the right to judge any and every album in the history of recorded music based solely on the images that inhabit that album’s cover.  Today, we pass judgment on Brooke Hogan’s The Redemption.

Adam: If Brooke Hogan was a Muslim, I’m pretty sure she’d get stoned to death for this.  Or for that shitty song she made with Paul Wall a few years back.

Fortey: What do you expect from the daughter of a pretendthlete and a woman who was made in a Play-Doh factory?  She’s probably not that bright.

Adam: Not that bright?  She’s fucking glowing!

Fortey: You know what I mean.  You can’t really judge intelligence based on artwork, but come on, this image appears nowhere in the New Testament.  As a biblical scholar, she should know better.

Adam: She’s a biblical scholar?

Fortey: I’m pretty sure you have to be to wear wings like that.

Adam: I think you just need a Victoria’s Secret credit card.  And a healthy disrespect for Christianity.

Luis: I have both, so I feel I’m qualified to say that, judging from this album cover, Brooke Hogan’s music almost certainly does to the ears what chlamydia does to the penis.

Fortey: Speaking of VD, I need to question the lower left corner of the image as well.  Her hand seems to be parting whatever gossamer ass flap she is wearing, but it also seems to be releasing some kind of pixie dust.  Is that what VD looks like in heaven?  Like if you get VD, does it sparkle?  Because I imagine heaven probably does something to make VD a little more awesome than it is on earth.  It seems only fair.

Adam: Would either of you care to elaborate on how this album cover relates to VD?

Luis: I’m pretty sure this album cover was done by Lisa Frank.

Adam: I’ll take that as a no.  Anyway, she’s the chick that makes all those elementary school folders and shit, right?

Luis: Yeah, she’s the creator of such fine works as “Hot Pink Dolphin Leaping from Electric Colored Water,” and “Bashful Pink Unicorn In front of Even Pinker Sunset.”

Adam: This album cover would be approximately 200% more awesome if she had a unicorn horn.

Fortey: Unicorn horn.  That’s what I call my penis when I’m hitting on tweens on the internet.

Adam: Who doesn’t?

Fortey: Can we get back to talking about the Bible?

Adam: It only seems natural at this point, go ahead.

Fortey: Brooke is clearly trying to get across a bit of an angelic thing.  It’s subtle, but if you look hard at the album you can see it.

Luis: Right, subtle.

Fortey: This is where she should have studied harder at whatever seminary she went to.  According to the rabbi who we bring in to make sure FunnyCrave lunch meat is kosher, there was an amazing deficit of slutty angels in any of your standard Biblical texts.

Adam: That’s why I don’t read the Bible.  I worship at the temple of Juggs magazine.

Fortey: Notice the eyes, that’s really important.

Luis: One thing I find strange about that is how her eyes seem to be looking toward the sky with her left arm posed in that weird position.  I think her armpit farted and she’s just fed up with that shit always happening when she’s wafting in the clouds. This can’t bode well for the actual music on the album. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not bodeing anything.

Adam: Do you even know what bode means?

Luis: No, I just use the word  nonchalantly hoping people will think I’m cool…much in the same nonchalant way Brooke Hogan thinks wearing wings won’t get her poached by an African big-game hunter with one of those comically large guns that look like megaphones attached to broom sticks.

Fortey: She’s looking up.  But if she’s an angel, what could be above her?  She’s already in Heaven!  The answer is God.  We’re looking at Brooke Angel Hogan looking at God.  And the title is ‘The Redemption” so it seems obvious here that Brooke Angel has gone and done something wrong.  Something very, very wrong.

Luis: Like what?

Fortey: I dunno, maybe she didn’t flush a toilet right in Heaven or whatever, and God got miffed.  So now she needs to redeem herself in His eyes.  And to do this, she plans on sleeping with Him.  Or maybe not.  Maybe she’s a cock tease.  I guess in this case it’s capital “C” cock.  Cock.  She is teasing the Cock because she needs redemption, but probably doesn’t want to have to put out if she doesn’t have to.

Adam: That seems plausible.  Very plausible.  Or maybe she’s just posing for God.  Maybe that was her punishment for her toilet indiscretions?  She has to sexy up and take pictures for God.  We’ve all been there, am I right?  One minute you’re taking the Lord’s name in vain, next thing you know, you’re all splayed out on a leopard print chaise lounge with a rose clenched in your teeth and God has you tagged in photos on his Facebook page.

Luis: You know the guy that runs that Facebook page isn’t really “God” right?

Adam: Whatever, dude.  Only God would have a van like that.

Fortey: Why in the fuck would God need a van?  He can fly!

Adam: I’ve read the Bible several times and…

Luis: No you haven’t.

Adam: I’ve heard the Bible discussed several times and not once has it been mentioned that He can fly!

Fortey: He, like, lives in the clouds and stuff.  He’s just flying off general principle.

Adam: Let’s change the subject.

Fortey: Good idea.  Why is Angel Brooke so malnourished?  You can see her ribs.  There’s a lot of rib play in Christianity, and by a lot I mean that one reference I am aware of when Adam’s rib is turned into Eve.

Adam: I’m in the Bible bitches!

Fortey: Right, anyway, I think Brooke probably has heavenly bulimia.  Like she’s up there with Einstein and George Burns eating ambrosia and then she’s all “oh, what’s that?” and the guys get distracted and she turns to puke on a cloud.  And because it’s heaven they hear like, AC/DC or something, instead of that screaming/belching sound earthly pukers make.  You know that sound.  Yeah.

Luis: I know that sound well.  You know what else I know?  I’m know her head would look wonderful mounted on my penis…excuse me, wall…Wall of Penis.  That’s called a segue.  Read it and weep.

Adam: Well done.

Luis: Thanks.  But, you know what? I don’t care. I’m tired of holding it in. Yeah, I’d fuck Brooke Hogan regardless of all of the terrible things that attempt to prevent me. Sure, she looks like a Puerto Rican She-Hulk.

Fortey: She’s not even kind of Puerto Rican.

Luis: Shut up. Sure, I’m only, like, 150 pounds and her dad once body slammed Andre The Giant. Whatever. And, yes, I understand that if her music were a person it would be the guy that never laughs at a joke, but rather, chooses to explain why the joke was not funny in the way only an idiot can. Again, whatevs. Even with all that I’d still hit it.  Then we’d be in love. Then we would break up. Then she’d write a really shitty song about me for her new album titled “The Absorption” which features cover art where she has motorcycles for legs and Meatloaf is leaping out of her mouth. But again, she’s still very nonchalant about it.

Adam: I’d totally buy that album.