It was while in middle school that I first realized that I wanted to get in to comedy. At the time, I was obsessive about it. To quench my thirst for comedy, I watched every sitcom out there; every stand up special; every comedic film; and, I read every book that was said to cause a chuckle. One book that always fascinated me was written by the current host of The Price is Right, Drew Carey. It was titled Dirty Jokes and Beer, and to be honest, I have no recollection of anything that happened in the book. I don’t remember if it was a collection of short stories, or a memoir, or just his stand up act in book form. I have no clue.
Okay, that’s not entirely true. The only thing I remember about it is pages 59 through 69 — the chapter entitled “101 Big Dick Jokes.” As a 13-year-old reading that chapter I laughed hysterically, mostly because the word “Dick” was repeated ad nauseum. It wasn’t until about 3 weeks ago that I picked the book up again and re-read the 101 Big Dick Jokes chapter (I had it bookmarked for over a decade). In-between the time I placed that book on the shelf and picked it up again over 10 years later, I had attained a whole new appreciation for the dick jokes chapter. Not only did I still find the jokes themselves funny (and I finally understood some of them), but I realized that something as low brow and hackneyed as a dick joke can be kind of smart. It may never be considered high comedic art — like Twain’s wry wit – but it can be rather impressive in its creativity.
In honor of that chapter that I loved as a young teen, I have compiled a list of premium and original dick jokes for your reading pleasure. If you happen to notice an asterisk (*) next to a certain joke, it’s because that joke was either written or co-written by my friend, Darryl Deloach.
My Dick is so big, it lives in a gated community that looks down upon Blacks and Hispanics.
If you posted a picture of my dick online, you’d go through 17 mouse wheels trying to scroll down it.
But then again…
The Internet doesn’t have enough bandwidth for a single picture of my dick.
My Dick is so big, it once interrupted Kayne West after he interrupted Taylor Swift.
My Dick is so big it is Glenn Beck
You know that funny taste in your mouth right now? My Dick.
The Snonsberrys may taste like Snonsberrys, but the Snonsberrys taste like My Dick.
My Dick is so big, it has 12 moons.
My Dick is so big, it took on the ’72 Dolphins…and won by 3.
My Dick has +18 Charisma, +18 Intelligence, and +18 Wisdom
My Dick is so big, it calls my balls its minions.
My Dick is so big, it got a Bush tax cut.
My Dick is so big, the Navy calls it the U.S.S. My Dick
My Dick is so big, when it enters a black hole it doesn’t spaghettify, it Cannellonis.
My Dick is so big it’s seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. It’s watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments would be lost in time, like tears in the rain…but not for My Dick.
My Dick is so big, it once got 50,000 Diggs.
My Dick is so big, my condoms are built in orbit.
My Dick is so big, my pubes can be used to suspend a bridge.
My Dick gets more pussy than I do.
My Dick is so big, because it ate all of its vegetables.
My Dick is so big, you can ride my sperm.
My Dick is so big, it has lobbyists.
I sleep in a twin. My Dick sleeps in a king.
My Dick is so big, it was blown-up by Michael Bay.*
My Dick is so big, it did the motion capture for Peter Jackson’s King Kong. *
My Dick is so big, my condoms double as slip covers for BMWs.
My Dick is so big, it always orders off-menu.
My Dick is so big, when it goes to a Tea Party Rally it turns it in to a Sausage Fest.
My Dick is so big, only wind tunnels can blow me.
My Dick is so big, my balls are considered a binary star.
My Dick is so big, it doesn’t get out of bed for less than 20 mil.
My Dick is so big, if I walk by an ocean the tides change.
In person, my dick is very kind and courteous. In privet, it’s a big dick.
My Dick doesn’t like dick jokes. It finds them offensive.
My Dick is so big, it once seceded from my body. If I scratched my balls, my dick deployed MiGs.
My Dick is so big, if I cum in the ocean my sperm hunts dolphins.
My Dick is so big, I once covered it in solar panels and powered ¾ of Duluth, Minnesota.
I can’t keep up with my dick’s cardio regimen.
My Dick is so big, it’s got Obama on speed dial. I just friended Dennis Kucinich on Facebook.
My Dick doesn’t get mad, it gets even…bigger.
My Dick is so big, it has business cards that read “My Dick, Esq. Attorney at Dick.”
My Dick is so big, it once changed its name to 8=====D. (Read as, “The Dick formally known as My Dick”).
My Dick is so big, it has a house band with a band leader that laughs at all its lame jokes.
My Dick is so big, its memoir was titled “Shadow of the Colossus.” *
My Dick is so big, it was used as a set on Felicity.*
IMAX was invented to get my dick on film. It failed. But at least we got The Dark Knight out of it. *
My Dick is so big, it’s only seen amateur footage of my balls on UFO forums.
God’s dick created my dick in its image.
My Dick is so big, in concert, it never plays its hit singles.
My Dick is so big, it was once on Cribs. It gave a tour of me.
A doctor isn’t a doctor until they get an M.D. – My Dick.
I can’t walk in an airport without people trying to board my dick. Probably because My Dick serves better meals and has no layover in Dallas.
My Dick is so big, it put out 12 albums after it died.
My Dick is so big, it’s been translated in to 12 languages.*
My Dick once got crabs. They destroyed Tokyo.
My Dick is so big, I’m married to it by Common Law.
My Dick is so big, it claims me as a dependant on tax forms.
If I want to get a Prince Albert, I need a harpoon and a barbershop pole.
My Dick can tell time…what to do.
My Dick is so big, I can drive in the HOV lane by myself.
My Dick is so big, my mom was expecting twins.
My Dick is so big, it had 3 farewell tours.*
My Dick is so big, it warns me about future events.