Johnny Depp is the Sexiest Man Alive?

People magazine has decided Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive for 2009.  They do this every year.  And people care.  It gets reported like real news.  Like “Oh shit, you didn’t hear?  You and everyone else one Earth are uglier than Johnny Depp.  Or you were, for the last 365 days.  Probably next year you’ll be uglier than Brad Pitt again.  Right now you might not be though.  You could have poked Angelina Jolie all last year.  But did you?  Didn’t think so.”

People, which serves its purpose as a vacuous suck hole that destroys trees and little else, probably bases this on their love of the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels or something, which in fairness no one really liked, but were immensely popular.  We’re not trashing Johnny Depp here, he’s a great actor and no less than 5 staffers who claim to be heterosexual admit they’d do him, so whatever.  But People clearly did not consider every man alive for this dubious honor.  And it’s obvious.  So FunnyCrave will humbly take up the plight of those forgotten gems, those handsome devils who deserve some recognition and get passed over by those supermarket rags just because they’re not the box office stars some people are.

Clint Howard

Look at this son of a bitch.  Look at him!  He’s looked like that his entire goddamn life and he still makes movies.  He’s had nearly 200 roles in his career, that’s prolific.  Do other goblins get that much work, no.  So how does that make him sexy?  Dude has confidence, ladies.  Pride.  And no shame.  He stands tall and does what he does.  Would Johnny Depp have been Captain Jack Sparrow if he looked like Clint Howard?  Fuck no, someone would have tasered him and loosed him into the wild if he came on set looking like this.  Respect Clint Howard.

Abe Vigoda

Abe Vigoda is still alive.

Fred Willard

Look at that jaw line.  That haircut.  Plus he always sounds like he’s pretending to be a sitcom game show host.

Treat Williams

Just because he has never and will never make a good movie, or really even a watchable film doesn’t take away from the fact he looks like he could hustle your grandmother out of her life savings.

Richard Grieco

This guy totally knows Johnny Depp

Andrew Dice Clay

Do you know how hard it is to sabotage your career as thoroughly and as often as Clay has?  By never improving an act in 20 years, by constantly insulting and degrading the media, fans and fellow comics and by seeming to have no clue what is actually funny?  Andrew Dice Clay can commit to something, people.  Few people ever commit to anything so strongly as he’s committed to ruining himself.  Hot!