John Mayer on Racist Napalm Humping

Do you know John Mayer?  He sings awful music.  You Body is a Wonderland is arguably the musical equivalent of a stevedore putting a finger in your ass while you’re waiting in line at the free clinic.  What’s going on here?  Oh, beefy digit right in my sphincter at the clinic again, well fuck.  This sucks.

Despite singing terrible songs, Mayer has built up, or at least had built up, a reputation as a bit of an off beat sort of everyman.  He almost seemed likeable, when he wasn’t shitting in your ears with terrible love songs.  God, it’s terrible.  “One pair of candy lips and
your bubblegum tongue” is an actual line in that song and people still listened to it.  On purpose.  This wasn’t played in a concentration camp as a final insult or anything, it was on the radio.

So anyone, when not singing, Mayer has this habit of saying kind of weird shit.  You know how if you spend all morning jerking off with raspberry jam to pictures of Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company you wouldn’t tell anyone?  John Mayer would tell Rolling Stone.  And that’s kind of refreshing actually, if gross as shit, compared to answers you’d get from a typical pop star which are as scripted and bland as unsalted crackers most times.  Has Britney Spears ever said anything interesting?  No.  Not once.

But the problem with not having a single filter is that sometimes really horrible shit spills out.  Imagine if the water treatment plant had no filters.  Turn on your faucet and what’s in your cup?  Poop and an octopus.  Man, fuck that.

So John Mayer gets interviewed by Playboy magazine and for no discernible reason, the following statements were recorded for posterity;

PLAYBOY: You were addicted to Jessica Simpson?

MAYER: Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.

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MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass.

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PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

You may not be aware, but that’s the weirdest shit anyone has ever said in an interview.  A David Duke cock?  Sexual Napalm?  A nigger pass?  Sweet Jesus.

On cleanup duty, Mayer attempted to explain his use of racial slurs by saying that first and foremost, he’s an idiot.  He was trying to make the exact opposite point that the word alone should make and in context of the whole segment of the article, you should be able to agree with the spirit of what he’s saying.  Or understand what he thought he was saying.

But he’s John fuckin’ Mayer.  Before he became famous he may have been able to speak about his own struggles in life and somehow compare that to black America, but after recording Your Body is a Wonderland he bleached all that shit away and now he can never, ever use a word like that again in any context, not just because of the emotional and historical context, but because he’s John fuckin’ Mayer.  He fucked Jessica Simpson.  Do you know what happens when John Mayer fucks Jessica Simpson?  It’s not sexual napalm, they both shit a loaf of Wonderbread and mayo onto a DVD copy of Full House.