It’s Time to Stop Believin’

Journey is the most remarkable band of all time.  Because they rock?  No.  Ha!  No.  Not at all.  In fact,  Journey kind of sucks.  Journey is the 1980’s Nickleback.  How did they got popular?  We’re not sure.  But they survived and now, in a kitschy way, they’re popular. Please don’t leave a comment about how awesome Journey is and always has been, I’ll delete it.  The fact is Journey is a joke, literally.  Watch that Family Guy episode.  They’re a punchline for any “remember the 80’s” moment thanks in no small part to Steven Perry who looked like the bastard child of Janet from Three’s Company and Begbie from Trainspotting.

Anyway, joke or not (there’s no not, the band is a joke.  Listen to Any Way You Want It and try to retain any dignity while you defend them), they’re still well known because they have that creepy singability in damn near all their songs.  And no song is more singable than Don’t Stop Believin.  That’s the anthem for “I don’t remember the 80’s but I know this song” and people love it.  Usually.

The only real way to strip away any potential for enjoyment a Journey song has is to put it in the hands of someone so incompetent, so feeble and untalented, that the ensuring aural assault is so egregious it makes you actually long for the slender, pale vocals of Steve Perry.   But who?  Who could do such a thing?  A high school band at graduation.

This video is so terrible it boggles the mind.  The grainy quality, the absolutely atrocious cover, the strange, ill-timed and robotic movements of the singer.  Is this real?  We have no reason to feel this is staged, awkward cringe-comedy in the vein of the UK Office other than the fact it plays exactly like that.  But hey, maybe it’s genuine and this is the last memory that whole class has of high school.  Take that to your graves, kids.

At around 1:40 our horribly tone deaf lead singer stuns us all by giving what, for all intents and purposes, is the Nazi salute.  And while we can see how this music can lead to genetic cleansing, it seems totally out of place, especially when followed by the spasmoidic thrashings usually only reserved for the devout when they’re overcome by the holy spirit and/or venom from the snake they were just handling.

At 2:27 the Nazi salute returns, with the threat it will go on and on and on.  Steve Perry is officially spinning in his grave.  Is he dead?  One must assume that if he wasn’t yet, this put him down like a sick dog behind the woodshed.

At 2:56, guess what happens.  Seriously, I want you as you’re reading this to say, out loud, what you think happens.  In fact, go down to the comments and just type in what you think happens, then scroll back up here and keep reading.

Did you guess Nazi salute?  God damn, you’re talented.  It is accompanied by the lyrics “hiding somewhere in the night” which either refers to us, as listeners, attempting to escape the onslaught or, you know, the Jews.

And them at the 3 minute mark, a kick ass guitar solo.  ROCK!!!

Guess what happens at 3:25.

From 3:33 on she has clearly quit.  She wails out “hold on” in the same voice an elderly relative with dysentery pleads for the family to wait before leaving them alone for the weekend with only the cat and their bowel pills to keep them company.  This is followed at 3:39 by the sound of her soul leaving her body.  Listen again, it’s harrowing.

We have no idea what high school this was, but you guys are hardcore.  I hope at your reunion you perform a Nickleback tune and record it so we can all see that too.