It’s Random Acts of Kindness Day!

Today is yet another day in a long line of days that has a fake “National Day” attached to it. Where I’ve covered National Chocolate Day and National Hug Day in previous posts, today I will guide you through the oft misunderstood world that is Random Acts of Kindness Day.

A random act of kindness can come in many shapes and forms. Sometimes it’s giving a homeless man some change, other times it’s stopping to help a guy with a broken down car. Whatever shape your act of kindness takes on this day, it should always come from the heart and it should always be mutually beneficial – you should walk away feeling good about yourself, and the person you helped should walk away with a much more positive view of humanity.

But, really, that’s all just the “Kindness” part. What we really want to delve in to is the “Random” part of this day. There are plenty of totally random things a person can do that are also very kindhearted and helpful to others, even if the kind effects of which won’t be immediately felt. For instance, taking a shit on your neighbor’s law. Your neighbor may get a bit perturbed at the sight of a fully-grown human squatting in his daisies, then dropping some poops on their pristine white pedals. He may even try to murder you. But this is the byproduct of your neighbor’s short-sighted view of the world. Yes, pooping on another person’s lawn isn’t the most…let’s say, polite things to do. In the long run, though, you’ve just added a nice heaping helping of fertilizer for the lawn. So when your neighbor wins the “Best Lawn In The County” award this year, he should thank you and gracefully apologize, and you should kindly accept. One thing that isn’t a random act of kindness is having sex with his barely legal daughter, even if the sex did come out of the kindness of your heart. In that case, the random act of kindness will not be in the sex with the daughter, but in the vicious beating you will receive from your neighbor.

But today isn’t only limited to giving change to the homeless, or helping a guy with a broken car, or shitting on other people’s property. No, today is also a great day for robbing a rich person. We all know that money is the root of all evil, and that great wealth corrupts even the most pure souls, so why not take of that wealth away from the richies of the world; thereby, knocking their proverbial dick in the dirt. Yeah, they may get mad at the idea of someone taking their property, but in the end you would have done this rich person a solid by literally robbing them of the items that aren’t important in life, thus giving them a chance to reconnect with their loved ones.

Also, if you really want them to reconnect with their loved ones, you can always kidnap one of their loved ones. There’s no better way for them to literally reconnect with them then by stealing them away and locking them in a basement as you broadcast their gagged and bound visage live on the internet. They’ll be filled with a sense of longing, and you’ll be feel like a saint. That’s called a Win-Win in the kidnapping world.

As you can see, there are plenty of things you can do on this lovely fake day in which we worship ridiculous platitudes that shouldn’t really be acknowledged on a single day, but rather, all year ‘round.