It’s National Margarita Day! Time To Get Drunk…On Knowledge!

Ah, Christ. Today is yet another fake holiday/national day. I’m beginning to think that someone on the internet has caught wind to me reporting on them whenever they creep up, so they created about 75 more just to fuck with me. Luckily, the nature of today’s national day will make writing about it much easier and less infuriating, because it’s National Margarita Day.

Instead of giving you guys a guide to enjoying this day (as I usually do for these national days), I’m going to give you a little bit of Margarita history that you can share with that one chick that works in accounting while you’re both at happy hour getting wasted, hoping she gets intoxicated enough to give you a handjob in a TGI Friday’s bathroom stall.

Margarita Day Fact #1:

The margarita was invented in 1948 by a wealthy socialite named Margarita Sames, during a party that was less than spectacular. Seeing as it was 1948, the party began to die down after the 173 black-people joke was made and attendees only responded with full-blown belly laughs and not the usual debilitating hysterics that they did with jokes 1-172. So, in a desperate attempt to liven up the joint, Margarita mixed together a hate inducing concoction of tequila, Cointreau and lime juice. She handed these drinks around to everyone and the party sparked back to life after one attendee held a link of sausage to his pelvis and declared “Hey! Everybody! I’m the black guy my wife is banging!”

He then sobbed for 2 weeks.

This also marked the first occasion that tequila was credited as the main cause of pregnancy.

Margarita Day Fact #2:

On average, Americans consume 185,000 Margaritas per hour. But, on any given Saturday night, one housewife or “Cougar” can consume half that amount while she attempts to rebuild her self-esteem by flirting with a guy that could very well be her grandson.

Margarita Day Fact # 3:

The first frozen Margarita machine made its debut in 1971, and its design was based off of a soft-serve ice cream dispenser. This explains the rash of neighborhood ice cream truck drivers that were arrested for selling alcohol to minors in 1971-‘72. The child porn they were caught with is another matter all together. (Which reminds me, when is National Polaroid Camera Day?)

Margarita Day Fact # 4:

There are hundreds of variations of the margarita – the most popular of which is the classic tequila, Cointreau and lime margarita. Some of the least popular include the Horse Hooves Margarita, and the Hobo Margarita, which is basically a large bottle of cheap tequila with a splash of distilled melancholy.