It’s Groundhog Day!
By Luis Prada
Rise and shine, Campers! You’d better put on your booties ‘cause it’s cold out there. Geez, what is this, Miami Beach? Ha! Not hardly! Today’s the day that Punxsutawney Phil comes out of his hole, talks to a human and predicts the weather. Yep, that’s a thing that still happens.
That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers – it’s GROUNDHOG DAY!
For those of you hoping this blistering cold weather were experiencing all over the country will just go away and fast, we’ve got some bad news for your lips…your chapped lips. It turns out that the seer of seers, the prognosticator of prognosticators, Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow. So, sorry to say folks, but we’re going to have another 6 weeks of winter.
Sorry to ruin your day, Folks! This is Luis Prada for Funny Crave Channel 8 weather reminding you to bundle up and keep safe!
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Rise and shine, Campers! You’d better put on your booties ‘cause it’s cold out there. Geez, what is this, Miami Beach? Ha! Not hardly! Today’s the day that Punxsutawney Phil comes out of his hole, talks to a human and predicts the weather. Yep, that’s a thing that still happens.
That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers …it’s…it’s… GROUNDHOG DAY?!
For those of you hoping this blistering cold weather were experiencing all over the country will just go away and fast, we’ve got some bad news for your lips…your chapped lips. It turns out that the seer of seers, the prognosticator of prognosticators…I—I, wow, weird. A touch of Déjà vu there. Anyway, Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow. So, sorry to say folks, but we’re going to have another 6 weeks of winter.
Sorry to ruin your day, Folks! This is Luis Prada for Funny Crave Channel 8 weather reminding you to bundle up and keep safe!
—————————————————————————————————————————————————
Rise and shine, Campers! You’d better put on your booties ‘cause it’s cold out there. Geez, what is this, Miami Beach? Ha! Not hardly! Today’s the day that Punxsutawney Phil comes out of his hole, talks to a human and predicts the weather. Yep, that’s a thing that still happens.
That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers – it’s GROUNDHOG DAY…a — again.
For those of you hoping this blistering cold weather were experiencing all over the country will just go away and fast, we’ve got some bad news for your lips…your cha…your dry lips. It turns out that the seer of seers, the prognosticator of prognosticators, Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow. So, sorry to say folks, but we’re going to have another 6 weeks of winter.
Sorry to ruin your day, Folks! This is Luis Prada for Funny Crave Channel 8 weather reminding you to bundle up and keep safe! You never know what might happen. Or what will happen again….uh, yeah. Bye.
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Rise and shine, Campers! You’d better put on your booties ‘cause it’s cold out there. Geez, what is this, Miami Beach? No, it’s not. Why the fuck did I say that, again?…
…What’s that, Adam?…I did? Oh, wow, I’m sorry, ladies and Gentlemen. I didn’t mean to use foul language on the air. That was unprofessional and rude. I apologize…
…but, fuck! Something’s up. I don’t know what, though. Am I still tripping? I took the acid a few days ago. Maybe I hit my spine and a little bit of my spinal fluid that got released had some acid in it. I don’t know. But—
What?…No!…NO!…Fuck you, Adam! You can’t fire me! I fucking run this bitch! I fire you! Suck on that you woodchuck-chucker! And by that I mean you suck dicks! Fuck you! I’m outta here!
Oh, and like it even fucking matters, but today’s the day that piece of shit rodent pops out of a hole and entertains a gaggle of retards for a few minutes before they go back to hating their lives in Punxsutawney.
Fuck this noise! You can all suck it!
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Rise and shine, you mindless drones of the American workforce! You’d better put on your booties ‘cause it’s cold out there. Wouldn’t want to freeze to death, or get snowed in, or suffer the tragedy of having your minivan that’s loaded up with your brood of drooling idiot children skid off the road and slam in to a knife factory. That’s be bad, I guess. So, to combat all that, put on your booties. Or don’t. See if I care.
So, yeah. If you’re living in Punxsutawney and you’re wondering why the nation finally seems to give a shit about us, it’s because the 18th most popular and recognizable rodent in America is about to show his stupid face. My prediction? Six more weeks of winter and a serious Quaaludes drought in my belly.
3…2…1…Luis, you’re fired! Ha! Bet you’re wondering how I knew that, huh, Adam? C’mere you little roundy-headed shit…I’m unstuck in time…ever read Slaughter House-Five, Adam? Well, I’m like that…but you’re the alien…and the only way to kill an alien is with…A PEN TO THE EYES!!
EAT BALLPOINT, SCROT-FACE!
This is Luis Prada for Funny Crave channel 8 news reminding you to die. As soon as possible.
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Rise and shine, Campers! You’d better put on your booties ‘cause it’s cold out there. Geez, what is this, Miami Beach? Ha! Not hardly! Today’s the day that Punxsutawney Phil comes out of his hole, talks to a human and predicts the weather. Yep, that’s a thing that still happens.
That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers – it’s GROUNDHOG DAY! And you know what that means! It’s time for your live, on-air suicide!
…yeah, I’ve locked the door, Adam. You can’t get in. So, before you fire me, let’s just get this one thing out of the way…life sucks, especially when it’s the same life over and over again.
Later…
(BLAM!)
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Rise and shine, Campers! You’d better put on your booties ‘cause — Oh, goddamn it!
