It’s Constitution Day, Bitches!

Put on your Ben Franklin glasses and slide in your Washington inspired wooden teeth, people, because today is Constitution Day –the day when the U.S. constitution had all of its T’s crossed and it’s Ye’s were olded. Yes, today is that day that people like Glenn Beck wrap themselves in an American flag, put on a powdered wig, and masturbate to Founding Father Fanfic:

As Jefferson signed his name with his frilly feathered pen, Hancock couldn’t help but glimpse toward his corpulent rear. “My word,” whispered Hancock as he bit his lower lip.

“My word indeed fellow countrymen, Hancock!” said Hamilton. “It is truly a wondrous day for liberty!”

“Yes,” said Hancock, his eyes unable to tear away from Jefferson’s bottom. “Liberty and such.”

Shit like that gets Fox News’ collective pussies soaked with red, white, and blue secretions.

People all around the country are celebrating this day by gathering together and dressing as our Founding Fathers, reenacting the signing of this precious document, and by calling our President Obama a tyrant fascist pig. A swell time will be had by all…that are probably a little crazy.

We here at Funny Crave want to take a moment to celebrate this day in a much more subdued manner. Rather than gather together and play patriotic Founding Father paintball or something, we would rather not leave the house while we continue to be patriots in our Constitution underwear that has a series of holes in the middle of Article 2. Also, we want you to join us in reciting the Constitution’s Preamble as it is probably this country’s most patriotic run-on sentence. But rather than look up the preamble on this internet thing, I’m going to conjure up my memory of it from that time in my 7^th grade Civics class where I had to memorize it and say it aloud for a grade because the teacher was probably hung over that day. I’m pretty sure I remember most of it, so here we go…

We the people, in order to form a more perfect union establish truth, justice and the American way by leaping tall buildings in a single bound and while being faster than a speeding bullet for the common defense and for people on welfare, for the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men who will be struck down with great vengeance and furious anger by GI Joes and other various real American heroes, do ordain and establish this constitution to boldly go where no American has gone before, make it so. America, fuck yeah!