It’s the News! Hells Yeah!
Jan 12, 2010 - By Ian Fortey
Today’s news has no balls. Not a one. Look at CNN. Wolf Blitzer? Anderson Cooper? The CryptKeeper? C’mon! And FOX? FOX? MSNBC? DateLine? 60 Minutes? Clown shoes, man. Total BS.
Real news was in the 80’s. News in the 80’s was so real it was super real. It was so real it would make your penis turtle in shame and trepidation. It was so real if you didn’t watch the news, anchors would come to your house and punch you in the throat and then put that on the news and call it “the Lighter Side.” Better recognize!
Check out this news intro from Milwaukee, home of awesome. This is circa 1982, when everyday at 6 and 11, the world was kick ass and you had better be paying attention. Listen to that monster jam that runs through the whole thing. That drummer was clearly running on pure adrenaline, caffeine and massive doses of cocaine when that music was recorded. He probably hadn’t slept in days and reeked of vinegar and sweat. He may have died when he finished. And he should have. Because his work was done.
The News Update team may be the inspiration for Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, it’s hard to say. On the one hand, these guys are clearly more awesome for being real. On the other hand is a drumstick. Get to drumming, bitches! The news waits for no one.
Check out our court room reported at 0:18 whose balls are so big he’s making checkered suit guy come to him. Only a man who needs to tell the news can be that confident, that proud. That man would come into your house and use the toilet without asking and when he was done, you better thank him.
Check out 0:48 when a fireman (because firefighters didn’t exist until the mid 90s. They were all men in 1982) has to answer the call of the News Update team, fuck the blaze that’s still consuming the home behind him. Dude needs an interview.
Check out 0:53 when Lolita Redblousovitch turns to camera 2 and fixes you with a sultry stare that seems to say “Hey, here’s the news. You can watch with only one hand, big boy.”
Hells yeah, man. The news in 1982 was bad ass.