It’s National Chocolate Day. Time to Get Drunk and Blow Stuff Up

America, it’s National Chocolate day and you know what that means, it’s time to celebrate the lives of our chocolatey forefathers as we get totally blitzed on $17 chocolate martinis and strap cherry bombs to Toblerones.

But one thing you must keep in mind on this most patriotic of holidays is the rarely discussed and rarely known origins of National Chocolate Day. You see, National Chocolate Day isn’t just some half-baked pseudo-holiday fabricated out of thin air by America’s chocolate manufactures while in cahoots with American calendar manufactures. No, this is a day that we celebrate the many chocolates from our past that enabled us to live in this wonderful diabetic present, and whose values and ideas will see us in to our over-weight and footless futures.

Let us now remember some of the chocolates that got us to where we are today:

1)      Way back in biblical times – back when chocolate was nothing more than crushed coco beans held together by hummus – Moses and his Israelites wandered the desert for 40 days and 40 nights in search of a new home. Many wondered how Moses found the strength to make such a long journey on foot. Was Moses on the ‘roids? Was Moses filled with the power of God? Did he just have some really good footwear? All of these rumors were crushed by a recent scientific discovery. A few years ago, a team of Israeli scientists walked the same supposed path that Moses and his followers walked. Along the way, the scientists made a startling discovery, a sack loaded with the wrappers of a primitive version of 100 Grand chocolate bars. Because of this discovery (and as some of you may already know), all versions of the bible have been amended to suggest that Moses was on a killer 40 day long sugar rush. Some versions even include a description of Moses’ beard as looking like a dirty, un-wiped butt.

2)      On September 7^th, 1783, Thomas Jefferson, one of America’s great founding fathers and accomplished inventor, combined melted fiberglass insulation, peanuts, and pond scum to create nougat. His measurements were lost and mankind has never been able to accurately re-create his original recipe. Luckily for us, he made his enough of the stuff throughout his life time to last us well in to the 23^rd century (that’s roughly 508 bazillon Snickers bars).

3)      Coincidentally, on this same date in 1902, the aforementioned Toblerone was invented. So at precisely 2:15 P.M. EST you can celebrate the birth of the first Toblerone that rolled off the manufacturing line. Then, as if things couldn’t get any more exciting, at 2:45 P.M. EST, you can celebrate the first time someone held an unwrapped Toblerone to their groin and said “Hey! Look! I’m a black guy!”

4)      With the signing of the Civil Rights Act in 1964, white chocolates and black chocolates were allowed to be made in the same factories.