It’s National Chocolate Covered Anything Day! Wait…what?

Yeah, that’s right. We have a national day that celebrates things that are covered in chocolate. We also have a national day that celebrates the life and accomplishments of a civil rights leader. And another one that celebrates the birth of our independence. But today is neither of those days. Today we celebrate the fact that we can melt a thing of chocolate and then pour it on another thing.

America, we salute you.

Now, if we were to fabricate a controversial  topic of discussion that pertains to national chocolate day, due to the fact that there really isn’t much to say about it, we would say that there seems to be some disagreement amongst NCD purists on the subject of precisely what objects chocolate can and should be poured on to. While Funny Crave is far from the internet’s leading source of chocolate news, we feel we have some insight in to this controversy, probably because we just made up this controversy.

To help us sort through the mess, allow us to introduce our panel. To my left is Helen Abernathy, a self-proclaimed NCD purist from Bangor, Maine; and to my right, Russell Tambour, the managing editor of Chocolate-Nazi.com, a blog solely dedicated to all things Chocolate and chocolate covered.

[Funny Crave] Panel, welcome.

[Russell] Yeah.

[Helen] Hi-ya!

[Funny Crave] Okay, panel. I now pose this question to you: On national chocolate covered anything day, arguably the single most important meaningless national day, only second only to national secretary’s day, that we have in this great nation –

[Russell] …Inarguably

[Funny Crave] Uh, yeah. Whatever. On this day, what should we, as a nation, be covering in chocolate?

[Helen] Well, you know, I’ve always loved a nice chocolate cover raisin –

[Russell] Typical…

[Helen] …or, uh…yeah, maybe a, like a chocolate covered peanut is also good –

[Russell] Okay, okay. Can I interrupt here?

[Funny Crave] What do I give a shit?

[Russell] Helen, darling –

[Helen] Don’t call me ‘darling.’

[Russell] Helen, sugar tits, listen here. You’re obviously a fucking ‘tard. Only the ‘tardiest of ‘tards would eat something as ‘tardacious  as a chocolate covered raisin or peanut. That’s just so…mainstream; so safe, so lame. It just goes to show that you’re terrified of new and progressive chocolate covered confections. Let’s face it, you’re a huge pussy –

[Helen] Excuse me?! I just came here to talk about chocolate!

[Funny Crave] I’ll allow it.

[Russell] Thanks. Anyway, back on topic. Helen, you’re a chocolate covered cunt. Raisins? PEANUTS?! Are you fucking kidding me? What are you going to suggest next? Pretzels? Bananas? You’re a fucking joke!

[Helen] but – I…just –

[Russell] Cram it or I’ll cram it for you! Stop trying to pollute the media with your chocolate covered propaganda! People need to open their minds, man! People need to see that they can cover literally anything in chocolate, not just safe, conventional objects.

[Funny Crave] Really, now? Like wha–I don’t care about any of this.

[Russell] Well, for starters, you can cover a carbonator in chocolate. Or even a lamp. How about the last remaining tooth within a bum’s head? Or even the operations manual for Windows ’95! People like me, we’re so fucking hardcore when it comes to that shit. Fuck, I’ll cover you in chocolate. I don’t give a fuck!

[Helen] And what does any of that prove?

[Russell] …

[Funny Crave] We ran out of film like 15 minutes ago, so that’s all for us today. I would like to thank the audience that couldn’t have possibly just watched us, due to that whole running out of film thing. So, until the next shallow, idiotic national day – peace out, bitches.