Is Evolution Real?

National Geographic has the best editor in the world of non-internet comedy.  For proof, check out that cover teaser and follow up page.  Was Darwin wrong, they ask?  The answer is to be found inside by all those who aren’t ridiculous and know evolution is a real thing and want to make sure National Geographic didn’t lose their shit, and all those boneheads who feel a real magazine not published by the pastor of their deep south sect who also advocates snake handling has finally agreed with them on something.

No, Darwin was not wrong.

Evolution has been abused more than any scientific theory for no other reason than that second word – theory.  To people who don’t understand science and handle snakes, maybe marry cousins and such, the word theory means a guess.  They think it’s crap scientists made up in an effort to try to answer the question and if it’s a theory it’s no different than any other guess.  They think this because they understand science as well as a yak understands the stock market.  Which is to say not particularly well.  Theory does not now nor has it ever meant guess.  It is called a theory because modest science refuses to make laws about things it cannot observe.  It doesn’t rush to hasty, retard judgments.  Sure, some scientists might, but science itself is rational and will never claim a law when it can’t sit you down and show it to you in a lab.

Evolution is a process that occurs over generations and as such can never be repeated in a lab.  You can’t invite your cousin-wife over for Colt 45 and Twinkies and have evolution take place in a box during the course of the afternoon.  Ironically you can’t have God create life the same way either, so science wouldn’t claim that as fact.  But you can look through all the evidence, the extensive fossil record, and show how life does evolve.  You can do what Darwin did when he came up with the idea and observe the changes in species that make a lifeform better suited to its environment and try to understand the mechanism.  And that is why it remains a theory.

In honor of the crafty people at National Geographic, and in the interests of helping spread the good word to periodicals of all shapes and description, we offer up the following headlines and topics for any and all magazines that feel they can run with them and print up a real humdinger of an article;

• Was 9/11 an Inside Job?  No
• Is PETA Devoted More to Sensationalist Tripe Than Animal Welfare?  Yes
• Is NBC Run by Morons?  Yes
• Was Anyone Surprised to Learn Mark McGwire Used Steroids?  Fuck No
• Is Pie the Devil?  No, it’s Delicious
• Where’s Dave?  Dave’s Not Here, Man
• Is the Government Covering up an Alien Conspiracy?  No.  That’s Ridiculous
• Is Bacon a Miracle Food?  Dude, Have You Had Bacon?
• Have Republicans Been “Forgetting” 9/11 When They Mouth Off About Obama?  No, They’re Just Deceitful