Is America Ready For A Vampiric President?

Before Barack Obama became our 44^th president, there was one question on the lips of the media: is America ready for a black president? The answer ended up being a resounding “Yes,” if judged by Obama’s margin of victory in the 2008 election. But, it seems, America will be faced with this type of question yet again come 2012, as Tampa man by the awesome name of Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey is already tossing his hat in to the ring. He’s an Independent turned republican, he’s 45, he was once quoted as saying “I haven’t dated a girl older than 19 since 2006,” and he thinks he a vampire.

This guy has 45^th President written all over him.

Contrary to what you may believe, The Impaler promises his presidency will be one of fear and intimidation. For example, we pulled the following words from the Impaler’s personal campaign website. We didn’t doctor this in any way:

Upon being elected as President, I will do what I would have done in Minnesota if I had become Governor. I will institute The Vladimir Putin Media Relations Act.

[NOTE FROM LUIS: Oh, and he tried to run for Governor of Minnesota in 2006, and he unsuccessfully ran for a Senate seat, and ran for president in 2004 and 2008]

If the media or anyone defames me, lies about me or tries to portray me in a negative way, I will have you arrested and brought before me to stand trial. Upon finding you guilty of your crime(s), I will personally cut out your lying tongue and nail it to your chin for the world to see what a liar you are! This Act will be grandfathered as far back as I decide I want it to be, and it will include anyone who speaks wrongly of Audrianna as well.

[NOTE: Audrianna is his 19 year old fiancée that he met online]

If you royally piss me off, I will not only cut your lying tongues out, but, I will beat, torture, IMPALE, dismember and decapitate you. Your head will be placed on display on the Front Lawn of The White House.

May it be noted, Saturday Night Live has full permission to make any comedy skit of me, without my permission. I appreciate what they did about me on Weekend Update on 14 Jan 06 with Tina Fey.

How America will feel about a man that literally sucks blood from the neck’s of his young lovers, or (as you just read) that promises to cut out your tongue and nail it to a wall if you criticize him, is probably the least important of the issues at hand. In 2006, he was accused of brainwashing a girl (or maybe he gave her a bit of the old vampire glamour eye) in Minnesota, and the girl’s family slapped him with a restraining order.

Personally, I don’t think his conservative values will play very well with the Christian conservative base of the republican party — mostly due to that whole being aligned with evil and being burned by crosses thing. But, this is the same party that deifies Dick Chaney and thinks torture is a pretty alright thing, so impalment couldn’t be that far of a leap for them.