Iran Enters Space Race 50 Years Too Late
By Luis Prada
Today, Iran announced that they’ve successfully launched a rocket in to orbit carrying a rodent, two turtles and some worms. In other news, Iran killed a rodent, two turtles and some worms.
The Kavoshgar-3 rocket (translated to “Explorer-3”) was a “home-built” rocket created to commemorate 1979 Islamic Revolution that overthrew Iran’s monarchy and its subsequent supplementation with an oppressive democratic theocracy. There’s no better way to celebrate your country jumping from the frying pan and in to the fryer than by killing animals…IN SPAAAAAAAAACE-Ace-ace!!
Funny Crave was granted an exclusive interview with Mr. Abbas Zadeh, the creator of the Kavoshgar-3 rocket. “Its primary booster is composed of a tin can with a balloon in it. When the balloon pops, it releases a shower of Mentos; igniting the Diet Coke below it. This is what gets the rocket off the ground.” The rocket took several, if not dozens of hours to complete, and some estimate its astronomical price tag could be as much as $57. Mr. Zadeh didn’t seem to worry about the cost, “Sure, people might say that we’re pushing the envelope when it comes to governmental expenditures with this project,” said Zahed. “But those costs will be out-weighed by the glory of watching a metal tube filled with the tiny corpses of cute animals come crashing down to the dirt only moments after lift-off.”
While the rocket’s primary booster is used only to initially launched the shuttle off the ground, it’s secondary booster is what launches it in to orbit. “It’s really tough to find M-80s and Roman Candles in Iran, due to the government ban that outlaws all manner of celebration that has anything to do with the way American infidels celebrate their day of Independence,” said Zahed. “But the Iranian government gave us a pass on this one. And the hotdogs were pretty good, too”
Pentagon officials are keeping a watchful eye on Iran’s orbital launch; being ever mindful of the probability of ballistic or nuclear missile armament. “Imagine if they replaced those animals with a nuclear core. Or, worse yet, if they made the animals themselves nuclear,” said Defense Department spokesman Geoff Morrell at a press conference held early this morning. “I’m afraid the U.S. doesn’t have contingency plans for a shower of giant radioactive rodents, turtles and worms. We may have to re-watch the Ninja Turtles Trilogy and the Godzilla series to understand how to battle and defeat large-scale mutantagenic creatures.”
“I hear the Ninja Turtle movies are on Blu-Ray now,” he added.
