Internet Comments Gone Hilarious: CNN.com

Maligned as they may be, you have to admit…sometimes internet commenters are right on the damn money.  Intermingled with all of the “LOL” and “GAAAAYYY!” and “FAKE” and “FIRST” quips are witty, stinging barbs that strike right to the heart of the issue at hand.  The people leaving these comments are nothing short of internet assassins and we wholeheartedly applaud them.  From time to time, we’ll give some shine to these internet heroes who resist the temptation to conform to accepted internet commenting guidelines and, instead, speak the damn truth.

Up first, we present the very first comment posted for a completely retarded CNN.com article.  Apparently, CNN thinks it would be wildly entertaining to see what kind of hijinx would ensue if they deprived one of their employees of access to technology for…wait for it…NINE HOURS!  Oh, the humanity!  How in the holy titty fucking hell can one person be expected to not update their Facebook page for NINE WHOLE HOURS?!?!?  We know, it’s horrifying.  But someone agreed to this nightmare of child molestation proportions nonetheless.  And we have the video to prove it.

Surely this can end in nothing short of a webcam suicide.  Sure, the guy still gets to use his cable box, afterall, CNN aren’t total monsters; but still, what good is the season finale of True Blood if you can’t Tweet about it immediately afterwards?  Honestly, we would rather take a rusty fork to the cornea.  But this guy is willing to put up with it.  And with that willingness comes the inevitability of snarky internet comments.  Like this one, for example…

Jason

September 14th, 2009 4:51 pm ET

Not to be mean, but how about exercising?

Fuck.  Yes.  Jason.  If ever an unrecoverable-from comment has ever been posted, that is it.  The dude fretting over the idea of being laptopless for moments is, in fact, fat as shit.  Most internet commenters would leave unsettling weight issues out of the discussion.  We call those people pussies.  But not Jason.  He understands what is going on here.  This CNN cat has gotten so reliant on technology that actual physical movement has become an afterthought.  It’s like that Wall-E movie, but less adorable.  Someone needs to call him out on it.  It took a real hero like “Jason” to get the job done.