I want my MTV! I Think

For the first time since 1938, MTV is pulling a full on overhaul and retooling their images, and there are a lot of tools they need to work with to pull that off, let me tell you.  Much of the ballyhoo is about the potential new logo, which I have no doubts will be awesome and speak to me as a member of the Millennial Generation, or whatever the fuck I am.  I think I used to be Generation X.  Then Y.  For an autumn in the 80’s I was a part of the Greatest Generation and I made hot, passionate love to the maid at a B&B in New Hampshire until her arthritis flared up and I needed a nap.

So, MTV wants a new logo, probably something with a hemi engine and pinwheels and Phineas and Ferb or whatever the kids are into these days, but more shockingly is that they’re dropping the “music television” tagline.  To quote Pope Benedict upon finding himself in a lifeboat with a Rabbi and Raquel Welch, “what the fuck?”

What is MTV if not music television?  How am I supposed to know where to find “Downtown” Julie Brown and Dweezil Zappa?  Where the fuck are my Dire Straits videos?

Listen, last time I put a pan of Jiffy Pop on the range and sat down for a night of musical mirth, it was all MTV baby.  All MTV.  I remember it like I remember to take my meds 6 times a day.  I was swept up in the beats of some Mr. Mister and I got halfway through a Tina Turner video before my Jiffy Pop was done.  I grabbed a TAB while I was in the kitchen and then raced back to the living room to sit in my La-Z-Boy and resume my kick ass partay.  And man, what a partay.  Do you know what video was on next?  Do you know?  Brother, I’ll tell you, it was “West End Girls” by the Pet Shop Boys.  I was all “Fuck you, Kurt Loder, you think you can just show up on my favorite channel out of the blue and play such awesome videos and I’ll fall in love with you?  Well guess what, you’re right!”

Then, after a commercial break in which you better believe I managed to Avoid the Noid, we came back to a rousing interview with Sebastian Bach.  It was riveting!  Exciting!  Intense!  Damp!

So there I am with my TAB and it’s super refreshing.  God, I love me a Tab.  I mean, I like my Hi-C at lunch time, but when I’m kickin’t it with some Poison or a-ha and I have the MTV jams running, I need my Tab.  It keeps me in the moment, man.

So yeah, there’s my Tab, my Jiffy Pop and then, as we depart from the totally intense interview with Sebastian Bach, we get hit with a one-two punch of Cyndi Lauper and Genesis!  How could I not dance?

All I’m saying is that, if you get rid of the “music television” tagline then frankly, the 80’s are over.  I mean, what’s left?  You gonna find a show about functionally-retarded jag-offs from New Jersey? Something about pregnant teenagers?  A bunch of idiot strangers living together in a real world setting?  Good luck finding an audience stupid enough to watch that.