I’m Building a Time Capsule!

Hey, Guys! Guess what? I’m building a time capsule! Yeah, I know, right? I’ve only been talking about it for, like, ever! I’m so psyched!

Remember back in ’97 when we were at Steven Dwyer’s party when I first told you that I was going to make a time capsule? You remember that party? The one where Amy DeBalsa told everybody that she puked on Dave’s backseat because she was drunk, but it was really because she was drunk and she was totally blowing Dave when he “released” in her mouth without warning her? Then, Amy came running in to the house screaming for a towel, and then Dave winked at us as if to suggest that he had totally just checked off an item from his bucket list? And then I said, “Dave, dude! I totally gotta save some of that jizz-saturated puke and use it in a time capsule!”?

Remember that?

Remember how Dave stopped talking to me for a while after that?

I’m so glad Dave’s dead. Yet, at the same time, I’m not. Because if he were alive he would have been able to see me totally dive head-first in to the construction and item collection of that time capsule that I told him I would make way back in ’97!

A lot of the people that I’ve mentioned this to have raised the same questions over and over again. So allow me to answer them for you in with this nifty little FAQ section.

• Why are you making a time capsule?

Well, as I stated above, my original intention was to preserve Amy’s jizz-saturated puke. This is only part of the reason. The full reason is because I want to save Amy’s Jizz-saturated puke for the future generations of highly evolved humanoid life forms that will roam the scorched earth absorbing the knowledge of our current civilization through the soil using their telekinetic brain feet. Once they detected the capsule in my backyard buried six-feet below what used to be my small patch of hallucinogenic mushrooms, I imagined that the humanoids would stare in wonder at the collection of dried spermatic fluid and a partially digested Quesadilla Explosion Salad from Chili’s.

What would they think? I don’t know. But I would hope that they would be just a little bit confused as to what we were doing down here while they were out zipping around the universe and curing all manner of disease and coming up with a pill that stops war.

• You said, “My original intention was…,” implying that that’s no longer your intention. If this is true, then what is your intention?

To put some random shit in a box and bury it. For the humanoids with the brain feet.

• How many items are you planning to put in this time capsule?

As many as I can fit! The capsule that I’m going to build won’t be that big; bigger than a Chevy Nova, but smaller than a car that’s smaller than a Chevy Nova (go-cart?).

• Again, why are you making a time capsule?

Well, if you’re going to press me to make up an answer that’s filled with starry-eyed wonder and merriment and all that homo stuff, then I’d have to say that I hope my time capsule will give future generations a firsthand account of what life was like in our time. How we survived with what will by then be considered “primitive technology.” What we did for fun. What we believed in. And evidence that subtly hints to how what we believed in eventually killed us all.

• Exactly what items will you be putting in the time capsule?

That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? After all, a time capsule is only as good at the stuff in it. You can’t just toss in a couple of coins, a Wiffle Ball bat and some Jolly Ranchers. The People (or the humanoids with telekinetic brain-feet) of the future will think you sucked at living. A time capsule isn’t like your garage filled with crap that you bought thinking you were going to be using it every day. The items have to be special; they have to be unique; and most of all, they have to be items from your garage that you bought thinking you were actually going to be using it every day.

I already have my list of items finalized.

1)      An American Flag – If the scenario with the humanoids is the one that ends up happening, I think they’ll want to know what country they’re in. Also, I think they’ll want to know that Americans were a fiercely independent people that would do anything to preserve their freedoms. The flag will be wrapped around a bazooka to symbolize the kind of tools normal Americans carried around with them in order to preserve and protect said freedoms from such evil doers as their cheating ex-wives and that guy that stepped on their new Nikes.

2)      The Internet – The internet has become such a hugely important aspect of our modern lives. So important, in fact, that I feel I must show the people of the future what our internet was like. Sadly, the internet is such a nebulous and intangible entity that it would be impossible to encapsulate it all within my time capsule. Well, it’s nearly impossible. I happen to have a neat, and dare I say, clever little trick to work around that roadblock. I’m going to print it. All of it. I’m going to print out the entire internet. I need to buy more ink.

3)      A Partially Used Sex Doll – Rather than, say, putting in a picture of a modern human, I want to show the people of the future what we were really like with something physical, something real. An inflated and rubbery facsimile of a human that looks like it’s in a constant state of shock should do the trick.

I bought it a few years ago and gave it one or two fairly decent rogerings before my mom dropped in unexpectedly while I was in mid “release” and I stashed it in the garage under my workbench. It’s been there ever since. I don’t think ever got to clean out its orifices. There may also be a spider colony in the vagina.

4)      A Pine Scented Air Freshener – See #3

5)      My Cat – I’m not intentionally putting my cat in to the time capsule, but I have a funny feeling that the little guy will sneak in there while I’m loading it up with the items. I will later say “Rufus! NOOOOO!”  If this ends up being the case, then #4 on the list would have certainly been some good forethought on my part.

6)      A Map – Not just any map, but a treasure map — a treasure map with a lot of dotted lines, some rough sketches of mountains, a couple of riddles, and a big red “X” off in the upper right-hand corner. What would this map lead to? Treasure? Riches? Diamonds?!

Probably none of them, truth be told. It’ll just be a map that I will randomly draw that in all likelihood would probably direct them to an IHOP restroom, or the decapitated basketball court of a local YMCA, or any number of completely random spots on earth. Sure, the peoples of the future will probably be a little pissed off with me for putting in a map that leads to absolutely nothing of interest, but it will be then that they learn the true treasure at the end of that map: friendship.

Unless there’s actually some buried treasure under that “X.” In which case, the bazooka will help everyone decide who gets to keep it.

7)      The petrified, jizz-saturated vomit of Amy DeBalsa – I never collected the jizz-saturated puke of Amy DeBalsa on the fateful night that the metaphorical lightening struck my brain, leading me to come up with the idea to make a time capsule. But I did finger bang her a few months later. So getting a sample shouldn’t be too hard, what with our finger-banging history and all. The groundwork has been laid.

So, that’s it! That’s my time capsule! I can’t wait to get started! It’s going to be sooooo much fun!

I’m going to gather all my materials, I’m going to build it, I’m going to stuff it with all of my goodies and trinkets, and I’m going to bury it in my backyard six-feet underground.

And Two-feet above Dave’s body.