Howard Stern on American Idol?

Next year when you tune in to watch hapless, talentless, delusional kids belting out some of the worst popular radio has to offer in the heart of Tennessee you may be surprised to find Randy Jackson, Ellen DeGeneres and Howard Stern judging the whole thing.  And probably that other chick, whatever her name is.

Simon Cowell is packing up his man titties and tight t shirts and leaving American Idol to work on a new show, which is mostly exactly the same, only different because it’s not technically the same.  It’s called The X Factor and will be like every other talent show on TV, so make sure you set your TiVo.

FOX, in their infinite wisdom, have been searching the world for a new Simon Cowell.  Who could replace that acerbic Brit?  Who has the chops to be brutally honest with scores of talentless, insane singers?  Who’s known for a quick wit and a sharp tongue?

Howard Stern.

And the crazy thing is, Howard Stern does fit the bill.  He’s funny, has a huge fan base, is fast and can be very likeable.  But his fan base and the American Idol fan base don’t really seem to mesh.  Maybe I’m wrong, you never know.  Maybe scores of Stern fans also watch American Idol, but it seems like Howard Stern, on a panel, watching a 16 year old girl belt out I Am Woman is a recipe for disaster.  And while Simon will playfully banter with other judges, doesn’t it seem like, just out of the blue, Howard might tell Ellen to fuck herself if she disagrees with him on something?

Regardless, even if it sounds bizarre, it would have to be hilarious in pretty much every conceivable way.  And likely Howard would have some excellent criticism for would-be singers who should probably stick to beet farming or manning the sour cream gun down at the Taco Bell, or whatever keeps people from singing publicly ever again.

Using our intern’s gypsy fortune-telling skills, we’ve gazed into the murky possible future where Stern accepts FOX’s offer and taken a look at some of his greatest hits-to-be.

• You sing so badly my testicles just had a seizure
• That was like listening to a fat guy trying to bang a porpoise
• You know what was worse than that?  The Holocaust…with you providing the soundtrack
• I think you might be retarded.
• That would have been great if I was a pussy-assed jackoff.  But I’m not.
• Well, you look like a decent piece of ass.  You sing like a cat being beat against a brick wall, but you’re hot
• That was like the dyke national anthem
• What do you have there, a C cup?  Drop the singing and just take your top off
• Don’t cry.  Is your mom outside?  Is she hot?  Listen, what if we had a threesome?  It’s not Hollywood, but it’s something
• You fucking suck