Private Facebook profiles are the bane of any good internet stalker’s existence.  You finally track down that girl who works at the bank who you’ve never spoken to just to find that her profile is blocked to creepy weirdos like you and the only picture you have access to is way too small to fap to.  A damn bummer is what that is.

But it doesn’t have to be.  The internet is riddled with sites claiming to have the answer for those who seek to view private Facebook profiles.  But don’t believe them, they’re all shit.  Like anything else in life, when you need guidance, Funnycrave is there.  Crazy ladies and creepy gentlemen, here is a practical guide to viewing private Facebook profiles.

Stake Out Your Target

Gaining access to a private Facebook page is like gaining access to the innermost workings of a person’s life.  To that end, you’ll need to familiarize yourself with your victim’s soon-to-be-friend’s daily routine.  Where do they work?  What do they do after work?  Is there a particular time of day that they tend to not be home?  Do they often walk to their car alone in dark parking lots?  Why can’t they just see how perfect things would be if you two were friends and eventually lovers?

These are all things that you’ll want to know at some point.  Finding this information online may be difficult though.  Maybe buy some binoculars.  And a fake mustache, or course.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, uses binoculars without also wearing a fake mustache.  Except for people with real mustaches, obviously.

Find an Exploit

One of the easiest ways to gain access to a private Facebook page is to find an exploit.  That’s a hacker term.  You’re not a hacker.  You’re going to need something else.  My suggestion — a window.

All of that “observing” you’ve been doing should have eventually led you to the Facebook page owner’s house or apartment.  Choose a time when you know nobody will be there and head through a window.  If no window is unlocked, maybe consider just running in the door behind them once they get home.  No matter how you do it, you’ve got to get in that house!  And once you do…

Find the Computer

Duh!  Right?!?!?  No matter how open to the public a Facebook page may be, you still need a computer to view it.  Ideally, when attempting to view a private Facebook page, you want to be on the page owner’s computer.  So, fucking do that.  If you weren’t able to access the computer while the owner was away, there’s probably a fair amount of screaming going on right now.  The cops have probably even been called.  Cops!  On the internet!  It’s a disgrace.  At any rate, you’ll want to quiet that shit down.  A real professional would use chloroform, but in a pinch, a hand over the mouth might work.  Their mouth, not yours.  Don’t be an idiot.

Assess the Password Situation

Alright, so you’ve made it to the computer.  Now, it’s time to find out a most crucial bit of information about the owner of the Faceb…wait, did they just say something?  We thought you told them to shut the hell up?!?!  You best go handle that!

Good, where were we?  Right, it’s time to find out a crucial bit of information about the owner of the Facebook page you’re trying to view.  Namely, what is their password game like?  The best case scenario here is that they just stay logged in on that particular computer all the time.  But you have to be prepared for other options.  For example:

  • Are they one of those maniacs who for some reason insist on using “password” as their password?
  • Even worse, are they one of those people who have to Google “Facebook login” just to find Facebook and then when they inadvertently land on a site that isn’t Facebook they have no idea where they are?  Should you really be putting effort into finding out more about a moron like this?
  • Do they actually have a decent password?

Once you’ve ascertained which of the above situations you’re dealing with, move on to the next step.

Adjust Your Plan Accordingly

Now you know what you’re up against in this crucial final step.  If in the previous step you were able to crack the password on your own, well, then you probably should have tried that first from home, Einstein.  Because now you’re facing a whole slew of felony charges if you get caught.  But it will SO be worth it to know who your ex has been chatting with on the sly.  What a whore! 

If for some reason that elusive password is still a mystery to you, then you’re going to have to enlist the page owner’s help.  Perhaps try coaxing them into giving you the info with an offer of candy or roses or severe bodily harm. 

If that doesn’t work, then quietly leave and return next week after reading Funnycrave’s upcoming “How to Interrogate the Shit Out of Almost Anybody” feature!  See you then!