How to Start Your Own Social Networking Site

If you have the internet, you may be reading his right now.  We keep this on the internet, because it’s easier to find than when we kept it in the cupboard.  But this isn’t all that’s on the internet, oh no.  The internet houses all sorts of other stuff.  Like Dr. Phil’s personal website.  Stuff like that.  If you thought we were going to make a joke about porn, it’s because you’re juvenile.  We don’t roll like that.

Also on the internet are social networking websites.  People call them “social networking” because it sounds like a whole pantload of legitimate when you say it like that.  Social networking.  Go on, say it.  Sounds responsible.  It’s the difference between being an phallus epicurean and a guy who eats dicks.  In reality, social networking sites are just ways to pretend to collect acquaintances like they were baseball cards in an effort to shame every one of them by having more friends than they do.  And also you can play really shitty games.

Facebook and MySpace are the two biggest social networking sites.  Let’s take a quick glimpse at what makes each site tick.

Facebook exists to waste your time and the time of those you know in such a way as to strategically avoid anything worthwhile and/or pertinent.  Did you just pass a stone?  Make it a Facebook status update and everyone on your friends list will be privy to that.  Some may show their approval by clicking a button that indicates they like it.  No longer must you actively express interest.  Just click a button, let laziness do the talking.

MySpace is the shameful, drunken uncle of Facebook.  It was cool back in the day, but now it’s washed up.  Want to personalize your page with a background image of such brain-dizzyingly awful proportions that no one will ever be able to read a word on your page?  MySpace lets you do that.  Want to embed “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” so that every time someone comes toy our page, that fucking song starts and they have to search for the media player to shut it the fuck up?  MySpace let’s you do that.  Want to arbitrarily pick 8 people and promote them as the most significant of your friends, for no good reason?  MySpace.

Why settle for the mediocrity afforded by these two social networking sites when you can be the master of your own social networking empire?  Start your own social networking site and everyone will have to be your friend or else.  Or else what?  I dunno. They’d get banned or something.  It’s the internet, it’s not a gulag.

Anyway, if you want to be a social networking big wig, you gotta get that shit rolling.  So let’s do that.

1 – Pick a Name

Naming a website is of immense importance.  It’s the difference between www.fuckingawesomeness.com and www.weepinganus.com.  Do you want to run Weeping Anus?  Think about it.  Even if your site isn’t about weeping anuses, guess what?  People with weeping anuses are going to show up.  And they’re going to look to you for answers.  Today, your shiny new forum is about awesome dirt bike tricks and hot babes.  Tomorrow, it’s 99% weeping anuses and one guy with a weeping scrotum who just doesn’t get it.  Fuck.

For our purposes, we want a name that vaguely encompasses what we’re talking about.  After all, what the fuck does Facebook even mean?  Is that like art?  Like face art?  What the fuck does that have to do with Farm Town and superpoke?  Probably you want to go with something like TwatCircles.  It’s easy to remember, the circle could mean circle of friends, it’s golden.

2 – Stand Out

The problem with most of the internet is that it’s like most of the rest of the internet.  For instance, have you ever seen a website that slaps up hastily made list comedy articles and thought “these cockbags ripped off Cracked.  What shameful pigs?”  Probably you have, somewhere out there.  Probably on some other site.  Bitches be stealing all the time.  So don’t steal.  Don’t be all “This is my new site called ISpace and I’m Tom and I fucking suck” because you know what?  People will see through that.  They’ll be on ISpace and it’ll suck and they’ll remember how MySpace is exactly the same and call you out.  Maybe even on Digg.  Do you want to get buried on Digg?  They’ll fucking bury you for even thinking about knowing someone who uses MySpace over there.  Or for ripping off Cracked.

Typical Digg users when enraged

TwatCircles should allow you the same basic features, but with a new dimension.  So say you invite friends into your circle.  But wait, we have concentric twat circles.  So it’ll be like 6 Degrees of Twat.  This twat is close to you and is in your inner Twat Circle.  This twat you met at a party through your closest twat so they’ll be one ring out.  Shit like that.  Sound needlessly complex and like it’s forcing you to compartmentalize the way in which you know people?  That’s basically what social networking means.

3 – Offer Time Wasters

Facebook can suck the time out of your day the way a whore can suck on a penis.  Whores take money for that sort of behavior.  Like every day.  Interestingly, you can gauge someone’s IQ on Facebook by how many application invitations they send you.  Each and every one of these applications have two things in common.  They take way too much time and not a single one has ever even broached the event horizon of a purpose.  Not ever.  Everything on Facebook is useless.

It’s counterintuitive to think TwatCircles needs to be useless, but man does it.  If it was useful, guess what would happen. People would use it.  Think about it.  Spatulas are useful, when’s the last time you sat around for two hours fucking around with a spatula?  You bust that bitch out when you need to flip your flapjacks, brother, and not a second before.

Robots are best used as pancake flippers and sex slaves.

TwatCircles should allow you to explore some of the age old time wasters we’ve all enjoyed, in that way you don’t actually enjoy them but you do them to stave off doing anything productive.  Like group Minesweeper or something.  No one likes Minesweeper, it’s fucking awful.  Fucking grey boxes you click and hope you don’t blow up or some shit, then use some basic spatial reasoning or gynecology or whatever to figure out based on numbers where to click next.  Minesweeper is to humans what ass picking is to apes.  It ain’t pretty, but it passes the time.  So on TwatCircles we’ll have group Minesweeper.  Maybe we can call it something awesome. Like TwatSweepers.

4 – Pretend to be Professional

MySpace failed at this in every conceivable way, so we’ll ignore it for this example.  But Facebook still tries to work the real world into its mad little schemes.  Employers use it to organize events, businesses have their own Facebook pages, people post notices of upcoming hoopla and whatever in a way that makes Facebook seem like a handy organizational tool.  It’s not, but it seems that way.

TwatCircles should have like a tip calculator or something.  People love that.  And some kind of auto party planner that can scour the various rings of all your adjoining twat circles for updates and advise you on what’s going down based on your own schedule.  Like say 5 twats are having a clam bake this Saturday and you’re free, our program, we’ll call it T.W.A.T. – Time Wasting Arranger Tool – will determine what you can best do to waste time in a social way.

5 – Give Skanks Freedom

No social networking site can survive without filth, it just can’t.  Could you even imagine a world in which you didn’t have immediate and gratuitous access to virtual groups about fisting and hummers?  That’s barely a world at all.  That’s Communism, man. The Reds were all about that.  In Soviet Russia, no one fists anyone, especially you.

MySpace and Facebook have, at their core, a debauched lump of sleaze.  Whether they be personal profiles on Myspace or profiles plus groups on Facebook, there are pages upon pages upon pages dedicated to girls standing in front of their own bathroom mirrors holding their cell phone up while they snap off grainy, poor resolution photos of themselves in boy shorts.

Don't show this to anyone, k?

TwatCirlces should encourage posting photos of twats.  But only tasteful ones.  We don’t want to see meat curtains all flabbity jabbity, that’s uncouth.

So you have the basics down now.  From this point on it’s all word of mouth.  In no time flat TwatCircles will actually enter the lexicon as a verb, kids will be all “I’ll twat you later tonight” and then high five and drink some Ovaltine the way kids do.  And you’ll just be rolling in sweet twat dollars with everyone as your friend.