How to Sexually Assault David Beckham [video]

Recently, in Italy, where apparently this kind of thing is just part of what the press does, David Beckham had his junk jangled.  Beckham, who plays something called soccer, is married to the wax duplicate of a Spice Girl and may actually be a robot invented by Tom Cruise, didn’t seem thrilled.

But that aside, how does something like this go down?  FunnyCrave has the answers.  From 1995 until 2003, FunnyCrave was actually a European outfit and we reported mostly news about horrors on nude beaches, but we did have an Italian correspondent who spent most of his days asking people if they knew of any place to get some pasta.  Anyway, here’s his advice;

1. Get famous by making a video demanding people leave Britney Spears alone
2. Move to Italy
3. Can you become a little more pompous and fucktarded?  Do so.
4. Learn Italian
5. Get a gayer haircut
6. No, even more gay
7. Buy some rubber gloves
8. Wait for Beckham to arrive in-country
9. Enlist camera man with only slightly more self respect than you
10. Abort mission to go home, smoke long cigarettes and write some memoirs.  What’s Italian for “douche?”
11. Regroup
12. Put on a shirt and tie
13. Ignore snickers from camera man
14. Put on gloves
15. Wait for Beckham’s return
16. Track Beckham to a press junket
17. Stare knowingly at the camera while Beckham minds his business and politely answers questions from legitimate reporters
18. Let the audience savor how much of a cock you are
19. Get in real close
20. Commit a sexual assault, on camera, by grabbing a complete strangers genitals because in your mind this is funny and in no way makes you human garbage
21. Get dragged off by security personal as Beckham gives you the stink eye
22. Star yelling incoherently, maybe stop to ponder how much money Beckham has and how easily he could get someone to break your knees for this
23. “Act” like a mental patient as Beckham tries to leave
24. Continue to behave in an over-the-top, unamusing fashion that speaks volumes about how desperate for any form of attention you are
25. Go fuck yourself