How to Rape Leonardo DiCaprio

A short series of clips from an unauthorized Leonardo DiCaprio documentary entitled Hangin’ with Leo have surfaced recently. Above all else, the doc sheds some light on a topic that we have discussed at great length here at the Funny Crave offices: How can we rape Leonardo DiCaprio?

We’re not concerned with the “why,” as in, “Why would you want to rape Leonardo DiCaprio?” We’re all about the “how.” (But seeing as our attorneys will probably want to know all about the “why,” we’re going to rape him to establish dominance).

For so long we’ve drawn up plans and schematics. We have charts and graphs. We’ve even used Powerpoint. But we could never crack the raping Leonardo DiCaprio code. Until now. Thanks to Hangin’ with Leo we know exactly what Leo’s likes and dislikes are, as well as how to record his every movement (through a hole in a beach towel! Duh! It seems so simple now!)

For example, the documentary told us that Leo loves to eat fast food, yet he still manages to read classic literature. That’s crazy! We always figured those two things weren’t mutually exclusive! “Eating a cheeseburger = Retarded,” is what we have written on a picture of Leo eating a cheeseburger which is posted on our giant cork board of Leo pictures and hair locks.  With this new information at hand, we can perhaps create a bread crumb trail of cheeseburgers, and books by Hemmingway that will lead Leo straight in to our rape lair. Where we’ll rape him. Victory!

But that’s not all we learned about Leo! No, we also learned that one time – ONE TIME – he was recorded performing a karate kick, poorly. Seeing as he performed this kick once, we, much like the makers of the documentary, will assume that he loves to do karate kicks all the time. With this in mind, we are now training as to defend ourselves from a Leo DiCap that may toss us an uncoordinated kick or two during the raping. Leo sure is a wily adversary!

Another thing we learned is that Leo seems to be perpetually stuck in the role of the retard he played in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? We know this because of two things:

1)      His friends used to call him “Leonardo Retard-O”

2)      Just look at him in that video. He has to be at least partially retarded.

This will help us out in a number of ways. Namely, it’s very easy to rape a retard. Especially a retard-O. (Science has proven that being a “retard-O” is actually worse than being a full-blown retard).

Lastly, Leo LOOOOOOVES the beach. So we may drop him off there after the rape as to lift his spirits. (We are fully aware of the fact that he may not enjoy the rape as much as us).

Oh, yeah, one other thing. From what we’ve seen in the video, Leo likes to hang out with the guy that plays “E” on Entourage. We may have to rape him, too. Anybody have a good unauthorized documentary about the guy that plays “E” on Entourage?