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Sometimes a responsible adult has to shit in their pants in full view of complete strangers. The reasons for this are many and varied, but all instances have a one common theme that strings them together: the person needed to shit and a pair of pants was the only socially accepted poop receptacle within reach.

Pooping in your pants can be an awkward act — but it doesn’t have to be. Not if you do it properly, efficiently, and with the confidence of an infant. This guide will hold your sweaty, tense hand through the journey.

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First, Make Sure You Actually Have to Poop

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Yes, we know you’re excited by the prospect of shitting your pants in full view of children, dogs, crotchety old bitches and, of course, potential mates – but you have to make sure that there are some bullets in the gun before you go off assassinating Kennedy’s. (That’s a little metaphor of our own creation. We own the copywrite on it.)

For starters, once you’ve decided that now is the perfect time to unleash your anal hounds, loosen your sphincter a tad. If you feel the light pressure of a duke getting ready to slide out, then you’re good to go. But, if you feel nothing, then perhaps it would be best to hold off until you have something to work with. NEVER TRY TO FORCE OUT A POOP IN PUBLIC! We cannot stress this enough! There is nothing more embarrassing than squatting over your briefcase in the middle of a Sbarros as you wear your $2,000 suit, only produce all sound (perhaps, even a few murmuring poots) and not even a single brown pebble of fury.

One thing you can do to insure that a poop will pop out whenever and wherever it is you decide to drop one is to load your system with as many bowel stirring agents as possible.  A hardy meal with lots of bulk forming proteins should be eaten the night before a public pooping. In the morning, some coffee will jump start those bowels, and a few chain smoked cigarettes will make you want to shit your pants in privet! But don’t! Where’s the fun in that?

Again, we can’t stress this enough! If you don’t have to poop, don’t force yourself! We’ve seen too many amateurs strain, squeal and squirm as they attempt to indiscreetly shit themselves.  This can lead to many different problems such as O-right Blowouts, Inny-Outies, Blood Baths, Convex Colons, and Intestinal Confuckulation.

Take Note Of That Day’s Underwear and Pant Selection, Adjust Your Shit Accordingly

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Some rookies like to let themselves loose without taking in to account that day’s chosen style of undergarment. These rookies are usually so displeased with their performance out in the field that they lose their confidence and never try to shit their pants in public again. We’ve seen plenty of great pant shitters come and go because of poor underwear selection. We had this one guy, Robbie was his name. Robbie liked to poop himself in public. Robbie also liked to wear his wife’s thong panties from time to time. His passion for ladies thong undies was alright by us but they were terrible for public pant pooping (PPP). Long story short, Robbie found himself in quite the pickle when the thong did nothing to capture the poop, and only helped to rip it in to two curly fry-looking shit snakes; each one scaling it’s away down Robbie’s pant legs and on to the heel of his sandals. The rest is fucking horrifying. Robbie will be missed. The wake was lovely, though. (Of course, we shit our pants in public in his honor).

The point is you should make sure you’re sporting some undies that are both good for your junk and good for the mounds of junk you will release in to your trunk. Old timey long-johns are good. They have that excellent ass gasket that, if baggy enough, can act as a bit of a shit safety net. Boxers, on the other hand, are a big no-no. Shitting your pants with boxers on is exactly like shitting directly on your leg because it is shitting directly on your leg. The poop leaves your butt, hangs for a sec, then drops on your ankle and/thy. The whole point of shitting yourself in public is to get that feeling of superiority over someone; to know that you are up to something devious and taboo, but all the sheep around you are so blinded by their fancy cellular phones, mo-bile computers, and business documents to notice that you are the alpha dog with the shit in his pants.

“What they don’t know only makes you stronger” says the code of PPP’s everywhere. Boxers take a shit all over that code – a shit that’s unrestricted by cloth. Fuck boxers. Fuck’em, hard.

Mind the Direction Your Ass is pointing

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If you think shitting your pants in public is already crazy enough that you might as well throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may, then you’re gonna be surprised when the shit hits the fan, Mister. Yes, shitting your pants in public is a little…let’s say, unorthodox; eccentric, even. But that’s not to say that it isn’t a gentlemanly sport with a rigid code that must be strictly adhered to. Shitting your pants in public is a time honored tradition that has been enjoyed by many a noblemen. Like the many noblemen that came before you (and probably slyly shit in your presence without your knowledge like only the best can do), you must learn a very important rule: always know where your ass is pointing.

To be discreet with PPP is to transport yourself back to a specific moment in your childhood; this, of course, is infancy. A baby can poop all over its lower half – all over its tiny balls or little vagina – and you’ll never know until you go to pick it up and you notice the smell first, then the baby’s coy smile second. You need that confidence, but you need something that a baby could never have: the wherewithal to know which way too poop. A baby will just poop right in your hands if you’re holding it. Rude as fuck. You, a pro-PPP’er must be better than the baby. You must learn to navigate your ass through the obstacle course that is life.

For example, be careful when shitting yourself while riding a cramped subway train. Your excretions may become squeezed, mashed, pressed, or sandwiched between your anus and the hip of a fellow passenger. The poop stain on the back of your pants will be embarrassing enough, but the shit stain on the beige skirt of the high power business lady will be a bit of a nightmare to explain.

Be one with your surroundings. Anticipate the movements of all those around you. Any minor tip, brush, glance, or pat and create an unnecessary mess, and major embarrassment. Also, remember, if you’re standing, be mindful of things that maybe your ass’s height or lower, which leads us to…

Don’t Shit Near Children

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Seriously, don’t. Just don’t do it. There’s too much risk factor. The only people that can shit near children are those with over 500 public shits logged (that pun is extremely intended). You could have a good 73 public shits on your record, but all it takes it one turd chunk on a kids’ forehead to land you in prison where shitting yourself is…well…it’s actually a bit of a self-defense mechanism there. But you won’t be able to shit yourself for pleasure anymore. It will now be a chore that you are loath to do.

Adapt to your Surroundings

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If you’re in the woods, you’re going to shit in some trees. That’s common sense. But what if you’re in an Old Navy? Or on a parade float while waving to passersby? Or while getting your tri-annual teeth cleaning at the dentist? What do you do then?

It’s simple, really:

  1. Old Navy – Poop your pants as usual. Then, search of a pair of pants identical to yours and try them on in the fitting room. Make a quick change and leave the shitty pants behind. Like a gentlemen.
  2. Parade float – If you’re on a float there is a good chance that people will love you regardless of what you do. Every Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade has the Osmonds on a fucking float waving their stupid fucking hands for no fucking reason. People eat that shit up regardless of the fact that they’re Osmonds; therefore, you can shit yourself at your leisure if you’re on a float.
  3. The Dentist – when a particularly painful prick is delivered to your gums, exaggerate the pain a touch while releasing a loud, pained groan. Take this moment to quickly evacuate your bowels. Seeing as you will not be able to move to safety after this, you can just blame the dentist for hitting a poop nerve. You might even be able to sue.

How do I know how to handle all of these situations? Experience — Experience and being fully aware of my surroundings. You must be like MacGyver had MacGyver ever been involved in a situation where he was required to shit his way out of peril.

Look around you. What can you use? There’s some tubing hanging off that wall. Can you stick that somewhere? Hey, a shovel! Could that possibly be handy?

You must assess your current situation and work from there. Remember, no two pant shits will be exactly alike.