How to Pick up Men 23 Years Ago

This article is for all our female readers, when we get some.  Ladies, don’t you hate how hard it is to find a man?  Or to talk to a man?  Or to get a man interested in you?  You don’t?  We didn’t think so, but humor us because we try to keep articles around 500 words and there’s quite a hike to go.

Anyway, as you don’t already know, it’s not easy for a woman to pick up a man, despite everything you have ever seen in the history of ever.  Of course, if the goal is to have some kind of meaningful relationship with an intelligent, interesting person who is not an asshole who wants to bang you within 30 minutes of meeting and never call again, then it is possible this could be difficult.  We’re not sure as no one who works here has ever done that (tried to have a meaningful, bang-less relationship that is).

So how does a woman find a man?  First, fix that goddamn hair.  As this video shows, you need to look preposterous and sad.  1987 is the year you’re aiming for, ideally.  Bigger is better, or at least try to model yourself after popular 80’s sitcom stars.  They all had bitchin’ hair.  You can never use too much hairspray.  Also, invest in some shoulder pads.  Now you have the look.

As the video demonstrates, picking up a dude isn’t so hard, just stop being a horrible bitch.  In our first scenario, that dude wanted to tap little Miss Subway but her incorrigible twat demeanor scared him back to the arms of a whore.  And what did she do?  Went home with her frigidity, if it’d have her.

Shy men are an untapped goldmine waiting for you to prospect like a sumbitch.  Take out your mining pick and tap that shit.  Tap it!  Research shows every man is shy, or something like that.  The edits to make the video as sad and hilarious as possible start coming fast and furious towards the end, so you can only do so much with what we’re given here.  Anyway ladies, here’s a quick guide on how to meet dudes.

- always carry something manly with you – beers, boobs, sausage on a bun – these are great conversation starters

-be knowledgeable of local sports as all men love local sports and probably know the players by name.  If you live in a shit town with shitty teams, you will become a spinster and die alone with a dusty vag

-try not to have any communicable diseases

-don’t take about your communicable diseases or how you love your daddy

-try to look like Janet from Three’s Company, only with platinum hair

-horrible conversations about the news are surefire winners

-when in doubt, handjob

-if another woman is making eyes at your target, have a cat fight.  Dudes dig that

-offer to buy him a sandwich

-wear a shirt that mentions your boobs

-wear vinyl

-count all 503 words of this article together