How to Have Sex With a Senior CitizenBy Ian Fortey
So, you’ve decided to poke a geriatric. Good for you, you’re about to embark on a mysterious and sensual journey few have the balls to ever undertake and even fewer can manage without causing a hip to break. Soon you will be up to your nuts in septuagenarian guts, dusty and withered though they may be, and woe to you if you don’t get the job done right. Your paramour has had decades upon decades of humping. She’s humped so much she probably forgot the first 50 or so people that her crotch ravaged like a slurpy, insatiable Sarlacc pit (or, if you’re one of our three female readers, then we feel it’s pertinent to say that your decrepit lover has thrown his emaciated sausage down so many love chunnels that Brett Favre wishes he had that many hours tossing them out under his belt).
As you can imagine, you can’t just go to the local retirement home, find a silver haired little minx and simply slap your cock down on the arm rest of her wheelchair. This would likely cause a stroke and as you’ll see, stroking out is one of the chief concerns you’re going to face when it comes to banging your elders. Also of concern is the state of mental deterioration you may be faced with. Beyond age 80, a full one in five seniors, when confronted with a strange dong on the arm rest of their wheelchair, will assume it’s their pet cat from 1952 and begin to pet it. In and of itself this isn’t terrible, but rarely leads to making love as few members of the greatest generation ever inserted their pet cats vaginally.
You’re going to need a game plan if your goal is full on aged humping, from start to finish, to ensure this experience is as memorable as it traumatizing.
Meeting Your Elderly Hump Puppet
Where do you meet a senior citizen willing to have dry, itchy intercourse? Likely you’ve noticed at the swap meets and farmer’s markets you regularly attend, few of the old folks respond to your seductive glances or hip thrusts. And if you happen to brush your groin just a bit too close against powder blue polyester trousers as you reach for a basket of apricots, likely they will only apologize and move out of your way, cutting short the feeling of a jutting ass bone or the frisky ripple of the edge of a pair of Depends against your raging-to-be-freed sex muscle.
In order to find a receptive elder you need to go to the only place where the blood of the infirm and arthritic still runs hot – a bingo hall. Indeed, there will be exceptions to this rule as with all things, but if you want to get your dick wet (and by wet we mean gummy) then you need to have everything in your favor.
Scope out the bingo hall on any night of the week. Old people have no responsibilities or purpose so one night is as good as the next, though try to avoid nights in which news magazine shows will be on. 60 Minutes, Dateline NBC, programs like this draw in a healthy old audience and will take away from your pool of gaunt booty.
Avoid older folks who are hooked up to dialysis or oxygen tanks as they are far too difficult to engage with. Instead, focus your attention on those who appear to be just shy of senile. Old ladies in preposterous sweaters, perhaps knit with many gaudy animals embroidered on them or some such. The number of bingo dabbers and/or good luck pieces on the table around them is directly proportional to the amount of desperation you can exploit. Keep that in mind.
Invite yourself to sit next to your target and begin to play. It is important that you get on their side. You’re a team and everyone else in the bingo hall is a cock smoking cheater. Keep chatter to a minimum as bingo is deathly serious to the elderly, but make it clear between games that you’re no match for her bingo prowess and would love pointers. Share a few longing glances and make sure your pants adequately outline your meat constrictor so she can see what’s in store once her walker’s cast to the corner of your bedroom. By the end of the night, she’ll be craggy putty in your hands.
Seducing Your Mature Boner Holster
As bingo comes to an end, your newfound, rickety playmate should be literally salivating to get into your drawers and by literally we of course mean figuratively as she won’t likely have that much moisture to spare and it’s just as well because if she loses it now, prying her love cavern open will likely require salad tongs and remarkable upper body strength.
Suggest that you two have a night cap. Warm milk perhaps, or maybe if she seems the sporting type, chamomile tea with brandy. Once she’s hooked, you can decide whose place to go back to. Her home will likely have more handrails and smell of lavender, so judge accordingly.
Once back at the boudoir, foreplay is the key. Again, remember how very, very old this person is. A coy look will not work. Some heavy petting will not work. Tongue kissing and desiccated banana-like titty groping will not do. You have to bring your A game if you hope to stand up to the years upon years of hard crotch hammering this person has likely experienced. With that in mind, it will behoove you to remember that all seniors, every last one of them, will be fully enamored of you spreading your ass wide open. Just drop trou, bend at the waist, and spread it. This is because during WWII, the best way to guarantee someone’s position as a tried and true loyal Ally was to engage in a full body search to ensure no Nazi listening devices or Japanese ninjas were hidden on someone’s personage and, naturally, the last place you’ll look is right up someone’s spread ass. But because looking in someone’s spread ass signified camaraderie and was the final step in being able to determine if your new acquaintance was trustworthy, it quickly became associated with good feelings and eventually took on sexual undertones.
Before hand, you may want to practice your sphincter control to see if you can make your ass wink and pucker like a pair of stinky, kissy lips. Try it in front of a mirror. This will be irresistible to your future lover.
Now’s a good time for last minute preparations. Bring up Lawrence Welk on the iTunes and Foxtrot over to the mattress.
Mentally Preparing to Ride Your Wrinkled Clam
Once you’re ready to hit the sack, you’ll need to be ready for what is to come. This is no ordinary boner conquest, this is a senior citizen. You can begin as you normally would, however that may be, but there are things you must take into consideration and your game must be adapted to them:
- Oral sex will be appalling, so be wary. If your lips stick together, don’t panic. Apply something acidic like vinegar and wait it out.
- Try to avoid strokes. They can occur at the drop of a hat and, though fun in a sensory fashion, they’re real downers.
- No Olympic style sex. Hips, pelvic bones, ribs, shoulders and legs will be brittle. Osteoporosis is the bane of boners.
- Bring lube to avoid fires. Well dried elderly pubes (of which there will be a veritable thicket) can catch fire with even minimal friction.
- Make sure everyone takes their meds on time.
- There’s no such thing as the wrong hole at this age.
- Make sure you have plastic sheets lest that saucy wench known as Incontinence wants to make it a threesome
Full On Antediluvian Coitus
So now it’s time. You’ve got the lube, you’re on the lookout for age-related health concerns and those goddamn strokes. We have no desire to be crass on this website, as evidenced by the delicate manner in which we’ve approached this subject, so we’ll not get into the finer points of circumnavigating drooping, wood-like clitoris or what to do if muscle control spontaneously gives out and you find yourself banging what feels like a slightly damp sponge inside a room temperature wind sock. Instead we’ll simply advise you to have fun and go with what feels good. Just remember, if she hasn’t taken her glucosamine supplements, her knees likely can’t withstand doggy style. Let your passion guide you the rest of the way.
You may be tempted to eschew some manner of protection as nature’s birth control, menopause, long since rendered your partner’s insides a sexy, desolate wasteland where your sperm, like a mighty elephant that has seen the end of its days, will wander through and die. Make sure you consider this point carefully. Old people are still havens of disease and worse yet, they likely have pre-Industrial VD, things like polio, tuberculosis and tetanus. You don’t want to have to explain to a doctor how you got tetanus from old vagina, do you? Of course not. Best to use a lambskin condom or a hollowed out lemon half as is the elderly tradition.
Basking in Old as Fuck After Fuck AfterGlow
As with any sexual encounter, you’re going to want to take the opportunity to enjoy the cooldown with your old friend afterwards, or what is commonly known as “antiquing.” Take a moment to enjoy the sensations of running your hand across their naked frame, it’s not unlike stroking cold puff pastry. Offer them a glass of nutritious prune juice to help replace that lost moisture and then settle in for a night of fitful sleep with many, many bathroom breaks.
Remember to sleep in the next morning, you’ve earned it. Sure, your partner will be up at 6 am to feed her cats and read the paper, but you relax. You’ve done a good thing tonight, soldier. You made love to a senior citizen.