Let’s say you head over to a friend’s house with your buddy Dale. What’s that? You don’t have a buddy named Dale? Well, cram it, buddy. For the purposes of this article, you have a buddy named Dale. He’s unreliable, never pays you back the money he owes you, and you really don’t know why you’re still friends with him. He sucks, but whatever. Anyway, you head to a third buddy’s house (Martin, he’s cool, but kind of a loser. He gives you free chicken from the KFC he works at, so you let his shittiness slide). Martin has a dog named Rocky (the only creature you consider a true friend). You walk in through Martin’s door, and Rocky rushes up to greet both you and Dale. Rocky barks happily, jumps excitedly, and tries to hump Dale’s ass frantically.

What’s that feeling you’re feeling as you watch Dale’s ass get humped by Rocky? Sadness. You thought Rocky loved you. You feel betrayed. But rather than going on a jealous murder spree, where you kill off Dale, Martin and the only true friend you have, Rocky, you should take a step back and wonder to yourself aloud as you stand in a crowded bus station, “How do I get that fucking dog to fuck my ass?”

If you really want to know, just read along.

Presentation


Dogs are very picky creatures. Have you ever noticed that they sometimes choose to eat cat turds over their dog food? Or that sometimes, they choose to eat cat turds over the human turds you meticulously leave around the house as a nice decorative touch? This is mostly due to dogs being dicks. Just a pack of spiteful little pricks that know what can hurt a human emotionally, especially when it’s paired-up with a downward turned head and big, pouty eyes. To combat this pickiness and dickishness, you’re going to have to offer the dog an ass that it would have to be stupid to say no to (that means Dalmatians will always say no to it).

Using a pair of scissors, cut the fur off of a teddy bear. Then, glue this teddy bear fur to the area surrounding area around your buttocks. It should look a little something like this:

If you were granted the gift of a hair ass from birth, then you’re in luck. You can skip the teddy bear step and just shave all of the hair off of your ass, but only on the butt portion. Leave the hair around the edges bushy and wild. Like a lion’s mane.

Scents


Modern dogs are descendants of wild dogs that hunted and scavenged using their keen sense of smell. You can use this to your advantage by filling your rectum with those wonderful scents of the wild that dogs love ever-so-much. Rolling your ass in dirt will not only reawaken your dog’s latent wild hunting instincts, but it would give your ass the dusty, grainy texture that canines look for when choosing a thing to fuck.

But you can’t stop there. No, you must give your ass even more stenches that will entice dogs. Here’s a recipe that I’ve concocted that will have your dog climbing all you your backside:

½ cup Purina dog chow

1 cup peanut butter

¼ cup of your poop

Mix these ingredients in a bowl, and then smear it on your butt. The fragrant smells of the Purina and the peanut butter will fill the air, as they are offset by the tangy, gamy sting of your poop. This mix is a deterrent when it comes to humans, but this is like Spanish fly for dogs. And by “dogs” I mean both man’s best friend and really ugly chicks.

Mimicry


Dogs love fucking other dogs. Dogs won’t fuck you. Ergo, you should act more like a dog if you want to get fucked by one, and let’s face it, if you’re reading this, you probably do. It’s amazing how many people search for the term “How to get a dog to mount you.”

Anyway, making the dog believe you are a dog is actually pretty easy, seeing as dogs have feeble eyes.  And besides, if you’ve made it this far in to this How To, and you’ve performed all of the steps so far, you…

1)      Are Fucking Crazy

2)      Are currently wearing teddy bear fur around your ass, which is also covered in dog food, human waste, and peanut butter…and are also fucking crazy.

…so you might as well go the extra mile and just get on all-fours and bark like the easily led, mentally unbalanced maniac you are.

When you’re on your knees, makes sure you back into the dog slowly, performing an action commonly known as “Presenting.” When you present, you are showing off your goods, hoping the dog likes what it sees. But, if you’ve followed all of my steps thus far, then this dog will be more than ready to just plow straight through your crazy ass.

Hump The Dog


Alright, so my tactics didn’t work and now you’ve got a dog that thinks you’re weird. Sue me. I don’t care. I don’t even think you can sue me for that. You’re the dumb one here, not me. You tried to get a dog to fuck you! EWWWW! That shit will get you arrested nearly everywhere, except for Florida. But they have mental health issues, so we let it slide.

Anyway, if after all that hard work the dog still wants nothing to do with your horrifying ass, then just go ahead and have your way with the pooch. Seriously, go to town on that sucker. You put all that time and effort in to making your butt like the hobo Lion King, you might as well just get your jollies off of the dog, whether it wants it or not.

But the crazy part about this is, if you’re a person that came in to this article looking for some real advice on how to get a dog to mount you, there’s a good chance that you’ve essentially raped no less than 12 dogs before you came here, so there’s no use in trying to sway you. You’re going to get filled with doggy spunk no matter what we say, so have it, you perv!

Plow that pooche with all your might!