How To Eat a Chicken Wing and Make the World BetterBy Ian Fortey
This video is a breath of fresh air. A revelation. A Godsend. It’s the shizzle as the kids say (our man on the street assures us that kids in private schools throughout the Dakotas and Iowa still say “shizzle” quite regularly, and since they’re our core audience, we’re on board. Fo shizzle).
For years, mankind has been plagued by the mentally crippling task of managing to eat chicken wings. Emergency services are constantly called out to pubs and restaurants to manage chicken wing disasters as another loser of the evolutionary lottery gets a bone jammed in their trachea or, in some cases, an eye. Sometimes two eyes.
Chicken wings are the Rubik’s Cube of food items, perplexing and enraging us as we fumble greasy fingers around them attempting to find the “eat here” arrow or at least some kind of flap on which we can start chewing in the hopes the rest of the wing will unravel into our face and we can then curl up in a pile of leaves and rest until sunrise when we must hide once again from the painful rays of daylight and those who walk on two legs and wish to cage us.
True story: Last August FunnyCrave held it’s first annual “Chicken Wing Bash for Botulism” in which we attempted to raise money for the victims of botulism (another big part of our core audience are people who can and jar their own food in an improper manner) by gorging ourselves on chicken wings. Do you know how much money we raised? We were $15 in the red by the end of the event because only one intern managed to eat any wings and that’s just because he never chews food. He says it’s a religious thing. And then the fucker choked out and had to be taken to the hospital midway through the event anyway.
Thankfully we now have this video which demonstrates the proper way to eat chicken wings – at least the flat ones. Those drumettes are still perplexing us and not everyone in the office has gotten over their perforated colons just yet, so maybe there will be a sequel video explaining those, but at least now we understand the intricacies of eating the rest of the wing. Next year’s Bash for Botulism will undoubtedly be twice as successful. Remember to come out and sponsor your favorite FunnyCrave employee! We’re being gluttonous pigs for you!