Well, you’ve done it now, haven’t you?  You went out with the boys (or, for our 3 female readers, you stayed home in our imaginations and pole danced to the music of Guns n Roses while barbecuing steaks and playing Xbox), you had a few too many and you woke up in just an awful state.  Oh, and there’s a dead body.  Your dead body.  Not yours as in you’re dead, how silly would that be?  How could you even read this article?  Science tells us the dead only read GQ magazine.

Anyway, paragraph derails aside, you probably committed murder.  Hey, maybe it was an accident.  Accidental murder.  But probably on purpose, you rubbie dubbie.  Oh, what’s that?  Not a rubbie dubbie?  Then what’s with the shameful stink of booze there, rubbie dubbie?  Now you’re a liar, too.   So yeah, accidental on purpose booze killings.  Take a moment to wallow in your shame and panic.  Shamic?  No, that’s not a word.  Just shame and panic.  Or, as I like to call it, shamic.  It’s a word.  Look it up.

Now calm the fuck down and get ahold of yourself.  You can’t just release your bladder and hope for the best like that time you got pulled over for speeding.  Shamic urine is not going to solve this little problem, barring the off chance you have an exceptionally high acid content in your urine and you plan on melting the corpse into a frothy piss puddle that will be soaked into your yard and forgotten about by everyone except your victim’s desperately lonely and shattered family.  You, sir, are monstrous.

I found this when I Googled shame. Feel that? It's shame.

So now that you’re a little more altogether, let’s plan this thing out.  There’s you, there’s a corpse and you better believe stink has already packed its bags and is planning a long, boisterous visit if you don’t do something soon.  Corpse stink is harder to get out than the stench of burnt Indian food.  Trust me, I once dumped burned Indian food on a corpse.  Fuck me was that a misstep.

It’s time to act quickly but efficiently.  Do you want to roll the corpse to the curb?  Is it even garbage day?  Stop being silly.  Rolling corpses to the curb hasn’t been socially acceptable since the 1950’s when certain minorities found in trash were checked off as “garden waste” but the now defunct garbage checker’s guild.  These days pretty much all garbage corpses will get you a knock on the door from concerned rubbish collectors, if not the police.  Did I mention the police will be after you on account of that murder you committed?  I should have.  I mean really, it’s a given, it’s been a law like forever, but still – the cops will be after you for that murder you committed.

If you can’t roll the corpse into the trash you need to ponder some more practical options.  Keep in mind, the longer you wait, the more grody that thing is going to become.  It’ll probably get all bloaty and shit will leak out – like actual, real shit.  When you’re dead, you can’t pinch it off anymore, so if there was a bullet in the chamber it’s only a matter of time before nature fires off one last victory nugget.  So let’s go over some of the best and easiest ways to solve your dilemma in a little section I like to call “the rest of this article.

Impromptu Funeral

Say, do you know your victim?  If not, now might be a good time to consider making better use of your backyard.  If there’s nothing tying you to the victim, say it’s just a hitchhiker you happened to pick up or one of those god forsaken transients we all off every now and then, there’s a good chance police don’t know it was necessarily you right off the bat.  Hell, they may never figure that one out you crafty, terrible thing you.

If you feel reasonably sure there’s not an evidence trail leading to your front door, take this time to get a shovel and start the digging.  This will all depend on how nosy your neighbors are and how good at covering shit up you are.  You killed somebody so we have to assume you’re not the most moral individual in the world, so the lying and duplicity part of this should be easy.

To start, you just can’t go and dig a grave in the yard.  Know why?  Because who the fuck does that?  John Wayne Gacy, that’s who.  Anyone is going to be suspicious of a man sized hole in the ground.  In fact, anything man holish is pretty dangerous.  Like man holes.  Ever fall down one of those?  Don’t.  That shit’s dangerous.  Is there a bar in your town called the Man Hole.  Don’t go there, it’s probably packed to the rafters with sodomy.  Unless you dig that, which is cool, but let’s dispose of this body first.  You know the paper’s are going to say “Suspect Arrested in Man Hole” if the police catch you there because you opted to go have a daiquiri and left a body on your patio.

Probably what you want to do is engage in a bit of dismemberment.  Then buy roses.  Dig holes for the roses and plop the dismembered chunks in under the plants.  It’ll have to be deep though, lest neighborhood badgers dig that shit up.

Your neighbors will think you’re beautifying your lawn and probably very few will ever say ‘hey buddy, what’d you fertilize those with, a dismembered corpse?”  If any do say that, you may have to dismember them.

To the Freezer

Conventional wisdom holds that you have to deal with a problem and not ignore it, because if you ignore it it won’t go away.  And that’s true as far as the small minded individuals who say that thought ahead.  But imagine if you ignore a problem in your freezer for the next 80 years until it doesn’t matter if anyone finds it any more, then what?  You ignored a problem until it went away, making you a superhero.

For this to work, you’re going to need a lot of freezer space and, ideally, not a whole lot of people living in the house with you who will be apt to go looking for some frozen bacon all haphazardly.  But really, once you dismember that corpse (a lot of these are going to deal with dismembering) and jam it in the freezer, that shit will stay in there literally forever.  Not literally forever, but you know.  Literally.

Now sure, you run the risk of someone coming to question you and maybe you get arrested and maybe the cops search the house and they’re absolutely going to look in your freezer because everyone who didn’t bury the dude in the yard jammed him in the freezer, but whatever.  It’s sound advice in theory.  Remember, if no one ever looks in the freezer, you win.

Taxidermy

You may need to invest in a correspondence course for this to work out and I strongly recommend against taking your corpse to someone else for this because it’s almost guaranteed that it will both cost you a fortune and land you in jail.  But if you take an online course (study extra hard, that body won’t keep forever), you should be prepared to stuff and preserve this body all on your own.

At this point you may be thinking “won’t a stuffed body in my house make me look more insane and monstrous?” and the answer, of course, is yes.  But it’s a bit late to be worrying about your reputation.  Instead, ponder the fedora.  Confused?  Of course you are.  But nonetheless, you need to invest in hats, for what is any good, taxidermied corpse but a wickedly clever hat rack.  Put a fedora on its face and hands, make sure its feet are in a box or some shit and bang, you can have dinner parties in the room and no one will be any the wiser.  Check and mate.

Taxidermy to the Extreme

Traditionally one has only be able to mount heads and make corpse hat racks with taxidermy and that, in the sage words of Abe Lincoln, is boring as shit.  Instead, why not get creative withy our corpse hiding?  All it takes is some tweed and the ability to think outside the box and suddenly your corpse is now a sofa.  Made from tweed.

Did I just suggest you make a sofa out of tweed and jam a corpse in it in that last paragraph?  You bet your shapely ass I did.

“But Ian,” you say, “I already have a sofa.”  Do you?  Do you really?  Do you want to hide this fucking corpse or what?

Go for a Swim

Do you have a river in your town?  If not, move.  Now that you’re near the river, it’s a simple matter of taking your body to it and introducing them to one another.

Getting your body to the river will probably be the most onerous task of this particular method, but they make some really roomy luggage these days, so go buy something.  Not to expensive, you’re just jamming a body in it.  If you’re not sure that the body will fit remember, it will fit.  It’s dead, you can bend that shit all kinds of ways.

At this point, it should be noted that you should not roll the body into a carpet and carry that out.  When’s the last time you saw anyone take a late night drive with a carpet when the carpet didn’t have a body in it?  Why the fuck does anyone need to drive anywhere with a rolled up carpet?  Yeah, you think about that.

So with the body in a bag, head to the river.  Ideally you should pick a secluded spot as really, going to a popular fishing hole or parking at a marina is really going to ruin most of this.  Drift off a ways down an unused path and when you’re pretty sure no one is around, toss that body overboard.  You should probably keep the bag though because dudes on CSI always track that shit back to the buyer.  There’s going to be security camera footage of your or something.  Plus there’ll be hair fibers on it, like maybe you got a pube stuck in the zipper.  That stuff gets people every time, man.  In fact, shave your pubes before you go on a killing spree again.  Or, you know, just stop killing.

If you’re worried about someone discovering the body, try to kill it with rocks until it sinks. If you have some time, you could always swim it down and tie it to something.  It’s industrious.

Blame the Bad Part of Town

Hopefully you have a shitty part of your town where all the nogoodniks hang out.  It’s time to frame them for your crime.  The more ghetto your town is, the more likely the cops are to just take everything at face value.  I learned that from shows about corrupt cops.

Take your corpse out to the seedy part of town and create a distraction.  Maybe toss some cash or methadone off a bridge to ensure all the late night hooligans are where you want them to be.  Then drive a block east and dump your corpse.  Possibly in a dumpster.  Sure, someone will find it, but that’s the point.  It’s in the shitty part of town.  It’s possible the cops won’t even investigate it as I’m pretty sure bad parts of town have an acceptable corpse limit before anyone really starts getting upset.  Just to be on the safe side, make sure it’s early in the year before the limit is already reached.

Catfood

You have a cat, right?  Perfect.  Feed it the corpse.  Check and mate.

Art

If you’re thinking this is just a rehash of my taxidermy suggestion, fuck you for being so cynical.  I write comedy articles twice a day, five days a week on this goddamn site, plus one or two features, and all you can do is give me shit?  We don’t charge you for this and plenty of kids in 3^rd world countries where they don’t even have internet comedy would give a nut for this stuff.  No lie.

So you should turn your corpse into art.  People legitimately do this. I went to a museum once and saw this exhibit full of corpses that had been plasticized and posed in crazy ways.  These guys volunteered to have this done to them after they died naturally but sometimes volunteering people for things after you murder them is kosher.  Probably.

Now plasticizing people may be out of your league and honestly, it looked pretty in depth and complicated.  Totally sciencey.  Instead, you could jam an umbrella in the corpse and put clown make up on it and probably sell it for a tidy profit.  Above and beyond what you spent on the umbrella and clown make up.  The savvy artist will use a trash umbrella and some natural food-based dye or poop or whatever in place of make up to further maximize profits.  Now you’re playing with the big boys like Monet and that guy who did that painting of the apple in front of a dude’s face.  You think they paid for supplies?  Hells to the no.