How to Deny a Slot Machine Payout

Bill Seebeck just got screwed.  And not even in that fun way, when you get all blitzed on Lysol and cough medicine and stumble into an after hours club and wake up vaguely sore and unable to sit.  This was financial screwing.

Seebeck was chilling at a casino in Tampa (we say chilling here because our website is guaranteed to be 36% hip each and every day), pumping some cash into a slot machine when it blew up like the 4^th of July with the bells and lights and dancing queens and assorted other hoopla that comes with slot machine wins.  How much did he win?  Glad you asked but please, don’t interrupt.  Obviously we would have told you, it’s an article on the topic.  He won $166 million.  And change.  Sweet.

Casino employees descended on him and roped off the machine.  Within an hour he was told he had actually won two things – jack and shit.  They also wanted him to sign a paper to that effect.  For you see, Seebeck was the victim of slot machine malfunction!

According to the rules of every slot machine in the history of ever, machine malfunction voids a win.  So if his machine messed up he gets nothing, and they say it messed up.  That’s what they say.  And obviously it’s the best excuse you can use because it’s the one everyone is supposed to be familiar with.  But, in point of fact, there are a wide variety of alternate excuses casinos can fall back on in case of emergency (like not wanting to pay out $166 million).  They’re actually kept in an official excuse guide book.  Have a look.

Excuse #9 – You must not have seen the sign at the door.  This is the Jiffy Pop machine.  You just won Jiffy Pop.  Here’s your Jiffy Pop.

Excuse #15 – We’re sorry (sir/ma’am), this payout has been invalidated due to the Rapture.

Excuse #21 – Unfortunately this win doesn’t count because Wayne Newton has targeted you for Termination.  Come with us if you want to live.

Excuse #28 – Actually, what you see here is a code implanted by one of the white tigers.  It means “help me” but the display only shows numbers, so it looks like a win.  Man, those tigers are crafty.

Excuse #33 – We’re very sorry (sir/ma’am).  This is one of those dirty gypsy machines.  They sneak in every so often and play havoc.  We’ll have it taken out back and shot immediately.  You can keep the reels as a souvenir if you like.

Excuse #37 - You must not have seen the sign at the door.  This is the Well Wishes machine.  You just won Well Wishes.  Here’s your Well Wishes

Excuse #45 – The state just enacted a new law forbidding those who masturbate to profit off of gaming. If you’ll just come with us, we have a lie detector and a news crew in the back, we’ll go over this book of 125 questions about your masturbation habits, on camera, and if you pass the money is yours.