How to Cheat Like Sarah Palin [video]

The big news in pseudo-politics today is that pseudo-politician Sarah Palin, despite mocking Barack Obama for his desire to not look like an idiot by using Teleprompters during speeches, looked like an idiot by using her hand while having an actual face-to-face conversation.  Nothing beats cheating to answer “spontaneous” questions.  And if writing on your hand is good enough for a child, it’s probably good enough for the woman who is arguably America’s stupidest yet most popular politician.

As this video shows, Palin uses some very sly techniques to check her notes, like just staring down into her open palm.  But what could have been written there and, more importantly, can you achieve the heights of fame and notoriety that Palin has achieved using the same techniques?  The answers are “something stupid” and “yes.”

Because FunnyCrave wants you to excel in any situation no matter how out of your depth you are, just like Sarah Palin, here are some atypical situations you may find yourself in.  Just be sure you have a pen on hand to write the relevant notes on your hand.

Scenario #1 – You’re on a fishing trawler with Jeff Goldblum, the Pope and a trio of ninja assassins.  Turns out Jeff Goldblum and the Pope have developed a formula that cures male pattern baldness and makes porn stars think you’re awesome, even if you look like Jeff Goldblum or the Pope.  Naturally the ninja assassins are after this valuable information and, through a series of Three’s Company style mishaps, they assume you’re involved and as such, you must be murdered.  What to do?  No problem so long as you write this on your hand ahead of time:

Kill Goldblum, I’m innocent!

In no time you’ll be sailing that boat home (alone) and enjoying some sweet, sweet fish for your efforts.  Check and mate.

Scenario #2 – You’re trying to seduce that special lady you’ve been paying to dance for you these last few hours and you notice your wallet is getting thin while every time she makes eye contact with you she shudders and has to force back some dry heaves.  This may not be going as well as you’d hope.  Or is it?  Make sure you have this written on your hand:

My penis is made out of money

Before the night’s out she’ll be doing her damnedest to tug it right off your body.  Winner!

Scenario #3 – You’re at a job interview trying desperately to string together bullshit lie after bullshit lie hoping the house of cards doesn’t fall down because you really want this job and you’ve been living off of ramen noodles and mustard packets for the last month.  Suddenly, one of the people interviewing you chokes on a delicious chocolate-covered raisin which you very cleverly brought with you to grease the wheels.  He may die, and they’ll consider it your fault, you inconsiderate ass clown.  Think quick!  Or maybe not so quick, so long as you’ve got this written on your hand:

Wow, his face is turning as blue as my balls after last weekend, am I right?

Your hilarious observation on unrequited coital desires will send the interviewers spiraling into hysterics.  Those who can breathe already will be overcome with mirth while our dying friend while shuttle that raisin out in a fit of life-saving laughter.  Not only will you get the job, you’ll get a promotion!