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American politicians have it pretty good. Sure, most people hate them with a passion usually reserved for persistent herpes and guidos with enough hair gel to be considered walking fire hazards. But other than that, they pretty much get carte blanche when it comes to picking the best fruit off the tree of life.

Expensive dinners, hob-knobbing with celebrity campaign donors, fine suits, the ability to spout out frighteningly regressive ideas with little to no repercussion – all fine qualities we all want out of a dream job. You’ve probably read the news a time or two and figured that you could do the job of a senator or even the president. But then came the disheartening realization that you went to a community college for 6 years and just barely got your B.A, and you think Al Qaeda is a Latin rice dish.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel, though.  If you follow this guide, you too can go from a person who shouldn’t be trusted to coach a little league team, to a Washington mover-and-shaker policy maker.

Origin Story

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All the great American political figures have great back stories: John McCain was a POW. John Kerry has a Bronze Star, a Silver Star, and 3 Purple Hearts. Former Presidential nominee David Duke was the KKK Grand Wizard.

Like them, you need a background that will inspire those at the bottom rung of society’s ladder. A background that will fill everyone with a sense of hope, that maybe they too can pick themselves up by the bootstraps and make themselves in to a man or woman of great distinction. You need an origin story worthy of a true leader that will set the stage for who you will later become.

With this idea in mind, we recommend you ride the coattails of your rich and powerful father. Why shouldn’t you? He made hundreds of millions off of his oil fields in Texas, and even more off of his anti-abortion bumper sticker company. Why shouldn’t you enjoy the fruits of his labor?

After you’ve successfully barely made it out of high school, you should use your Dad’s connections with the Ivy League to get in to a school that you really have no business in. Say, Harvard or Yale, or whichever one is ranked higher on the “Best Party Schools of the Year” list.

Once there, you should find out that you have a passion for politics after your rebel-renegade, plays-by-his-own-rules Political Science professor (that was once affiliated with a group that once called for the eradication of all “Non-pure” Americans. A statement he has never fully clarified) instills in you a love for the intricacies of the Washington political machine.

Also, once there, you should snort every white powder you can get your hands on. Cocaine? Angel Dust? Ground up Altoids? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you are an absolute embarrassment to your family’s name.

By the time you successfully just barely graduate, you should be considering both a job in public office and rehab.

Choose Your Side

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Regardless of what side you take, you will always be labeled as someone that wants to fit themselves into one of a few convenient little boxes. If you find that you speak in rational tones and have many lofty (some say, impossible) visions for the future of America, but never speak up when you catch your lover getting banged by a gaggle of dudes, then a Democrat is what you want to be. If yelling at people until they are so terrified that they’ll obey your every command is more of your thing, then perhaps a Republican is what you are. If you were the kid in high school who even the outcasts thought was “a goddamn freak,” than you’re a bonafide Independent.

Once you’ve settled on one of the three above (there are more, but you actually want to be successful), you’re going to have to learn how to indiscriminately hate everything that isn’t what you’re all about. And, you’re going to have to fit yourself with a nice repertoire of violent, borderline dangerous rhetoric and catch phrases to go along with it.

If you’re a Democrat, you should regularly call even the most moderate of republicans a bunch of Orwellian fascists that are more concerned with trying to make CEO’s and Jesus happy than they are the American populace. If you’re a Republican, you should call all democratic ideas socialist and communist, even if they’re ideas that you would have proposed yourself had it not been for the democratic president currently in office. If you’re an Independent, you should bitch and moan about how you have no friends and about how Washington is such a lonely place for people that believe the United States should return to its Monarchist, slave-owning roots.

Whichever you choose, just remember: this will be the last time you ever get to choose a side again. If halfway through your career you decide that your views have changed as you’ve gotten older and wiser, then you may want to just go ahead and masturbate in your fancy office one last time, because you’re going to be out of work pretty damn soon.

Occupation

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Now that you have become a stereotype for everything that’s wrong with the party that you’ve chosen, it’s time to find out exactly what you’ll be doing with your time. Besides, without a job in politics, you might as well pick up a sign with a misspelled slogan and get to the protesting of random shit with either the anarchist hippies or the homicidal Bible thumpers.

You’re going to need to start off small, maybe some kind of local government thing. A comptroller, or a county clerk is pretty good because nobody knows what the fuck they do, so you’ll be able to coast under the radar and pad your resume; all while continuing your heathenistic fornicating and the drug snorting that you continue to do, just now it’s tax payer funded.

Eventually, you’re going to want to move up the political ladder by running for a position that gives you tons of power, but the overwhelming majority of your city or state’s citizens know less about than the American Idol results for the 12th episode from 4 seasons ago. Mayor or Governor should suffice. Hell, you can even shoot for Congressman or Senator, seeing as most people can’t tell you the difference (a congressman screws “call girls,” senators screw “escorts”).

To do this, you’re going to have to assemble a crack team of assholes and scallywags that will do and say anything to get you elected. The type of people that can spin a story about a dead Vietnamese child prostitute found in your trunk, in to a lovely tale about your charitable nature. These masters of skullduggery are…

1) The Campaign Manager
Along with being the person that runs the entire campaign — from advertising to polling to coordinating — he or she will also be the 2nd in command right behind you. As such, they need to be the person that’s willing to be the one that tells the Catholic Church to, in literal terms, fuck themselves if they don’t support your stance on what you call “Extreme Moto Abortion!”
2) Campaign Strategist
This is the person that will tell you not only who to call a corrupt, deviant prick; but where to do it (speech to veterans), when to do it (hours after leaking a lie about the opponent being a corrupt, deviant prick), and how to do it (calling him a “corrupt, deviant prick” in 9,000 words, most of which are five syllables or longer).
3) The Speech Writers
This team of failed screenwriters and horror novelists will capture the essence of your thoughts, ideas, and speech patterns… and throw it all out in order to make you seem sane. You will pay them vast sums of money to write one speech that they’ll go all Mad Libs on at every new city. “It’s lovely to be here in, Tacoma, visiting my Union buddies! With your support, we’re really going to Fart in November!”
4) The Wife
Get one. Preferably one with soulless eyes — soulless eyes and a rockin’ set of hooters.

Choose these people wisely. They will be with you for the rest of your political career; influencing your every belief and decision, even after they get high paying corporate jobs.

Choose Your Scandal

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Some scandals are big, some are small. Some deal with the illegalities of certain self-beneficial actions, others deal with the illegalities of getting jerked off in a closet by a White House staffer while you should have been in a meeting with the president. But the truth is, for as much as the public loves a good political scandal, they’re tired of the same-old-same-old. You can’t give them that! You’re a new generation of politician! You’ve got to give them something that will never be topped. The rules of escalation deem that you have to kick it up a few notches.

Here’s what you do: get caught having sex with one of your drunkenly belligerent siblings as you lay on a bed stuffed with stolen ballots, all while you’re texting graphic images of your sibling sex session to the leader of the opposition party…who happens to be married to your sibling. The one you’re having sex with.

If you can get the public behind you one-hundred and ten percent, even after this debacle (that you were forced to **GASP** apologize for!), then you’ve pretty much snatched up your spot on the upcoming presidential ballot.

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After that, the rest is up to you, friends. Becoming president, and subsequently running the free world, is nothing more than a slight variation on everything stated above. Sure, there will be differences. There will be newer, bigger issues to tackle (for example, choosing which cabinet member to grope the breasts of while walking to the podium for the State of the Union), but, generally, it’s the same cycle of disappointment and failure over and over again.

Oh, and notice how we didn’t mention anything on how to vote on bills, how to fight for a measure that will benefit the American people, or how to stand up for what’s right. You won’t be doing much of that. You’ll be too busy making America look like the stagnate pool of governmental in-action that it is.