How To Be A Real Man [Video]

The guys over at foundfootagefest.com are masters of digging up nothing but the most absurd old videos, most of which tried to teach us a little something about life. The video below is no different.  Granted, the final lesson is about how Jesus is awesome and Green Day and The Counting Crows are godless heathens, but that doesn’t matter. It only adds to the incredibleness of the video.

As you saw, Joe’s life was a mess. He’s in his late teens, yet he still jumps on the bed and he thinks the Counting Crows are the shit. That last part makes Joe ripe for some Godly saving. But if those things weren’t enough, Joe has a psychotic obsession with Marissa Wilson, as exemplified by his shrine to her that he probably sacrifices goats to. And, to top it all off, Joe haphazardly walks around warehouses displaying a complete disregard for his own personal safety by refusing to abide by repressive privet property rules.

But this all changes when out from the sky and in to Joe’s hands drops God’s day planner. Apparently, Joe is such a simpleton that he can have his entire world view drastically altered by the word “God” on a piece of paper, followed by some random bible-y sounding words. This makes us wonder, if instead of “God” the words in the day planner were, maybe, “Rape” or “Cannibalism,” would the rest of the video be about Joe being criminally insane?

With this newly found power of God, Joe then viciously attacks his CD collection with a force so destructive, so powerful, that he didn’t need to cause the dics’ physical harm. He recited puns based off of the bands’ names. What a fucking rebel. Oh, and he ate a Counting Crows CD. Just, you know, throwing that out there.

After this, Joe goes on the warpath as he destroys the bedroom clad in all of the decorations that represent his shameful past. This process includes ripping posters off of a wall with intense anger, then following that up with some of the most depraved blowing out of candles we’ve ever seen. It’s goddamn intense.

Joe raps it all up as his friend comes in (he must have a key or something) and asks Joe for a light. Joe responds in kind by punching his friend in the face. That’s what the power of God does to you, man. It makes you punch your cigarette smoking friend in the face. The, his friend asks if Joe is crazy. Joe, apropos to nothing, says, in Spanish, “Yo Loco Por Jesus” (I’m crazy for Jesus), as if he were in a TV commercial for a Spanish chicken restaurant.

Joe, what a badass.