How Long Could Luke Survive in a Tauntaun and other Pressing Issues from 1980
By Ian Fortey
There’s a website called Wolf Gnards out there which is a direct reference to the awesome movie Monster Squad for those who don’t know. The purpose of Wolf Gnards? To be extra geeky. The internet, as you know, is the home base of all social misfits and malcontents. Their palace is the World of Warcraft and 4chan, but they do wander amidst the hills and valleys of the rest of the internet while commoners go about their business, not realizing who’s right there along side them. Nerds. The internet is full of nerds.
So Wolf Gnards is a bit of a nerd blog that takes nerdism to the next level and recently they pondered the issue of just how long Luke Skywalker could have survived inside the shucked body of that Tauntaun that was sliced open for him on the icy cold planet Hoth in the film The Empire Strikes Back. They seriously get into numbers dealing with how quickly an animal loses body heat after death, factoring in whether or not it died from hypothermia, the reported temperatures on Hoth at night and so on. It’s like…realistic. As realistic as you can get when dealing with jamming Mark Hamill inside a muppet’s abdomen for warmth.
FunnyCrave may be only 87% geek (we have a hipster, a douche, a guy who runs a deli, a porn star and a MILF on staff), but we’re not about to let Wolf Gnards get all the glory for putting excess thought into implausible scenarios in movies from 1980. We did some research of our own to answer other tough questions posed in film and here’s what we came up with.
Did Joey Like Gladiator Movies?
In the movie Airplane!, Captain Oveur posed this question to a young boy and for reasons we may never understand, the answer is not made clear. Joey is quick to respond when asked if he has ever been in a cockpit, but not so much so when queried about his interest in Gladiator movies. Or for that matter if he’d ever been to a Turkish prison or seen a grown man naked.
It’s probable that Joey was engaging in tactful avoidance, choosing to be polite while at the same time not providing any answers to this question and the reason, most likely, is because Joey did not, in fact, like Gladiator movies or homosexual innuendo with a grown man.
What the Fuck is Wrong with Superman II?
This question has been nagging at audiences for nearly 30 years – just what the fuck was going on in Superman II? Nearly anyone with talent who was involved in the original film quit for the sequel, which was probably a bad omen. Plus the story makes less sense than Tara Reid trying to lecture on particle physics. Superman gives up his powers? Don’t his powers come from the sun? Can he give up solar power? And there are three assholes from his blown up home planet that were imprisoned in space? What? Wouldn’t they just die since Kryptonians had no powers? Superman can brainwash you with a kiss? Fuck…come on!
The answer to these myriad questions is actually much more simple than you would think – Superman II sucked.
What’s the Best Way to Make a Living?
Dolly Parton explained to us in the song 9 to 5 (from the movie of the same name) that working 9 to 5 ain’t no way to make a living. It’s a delightfully upbeat cynical take on why your life sucks. But how are we to determine what is the proper way to make a living? The answer given in the film is to simply commit a premeditated and long-lasting felony against a bad man. He’s a jerk, so it’s OK if you kidnap him and keep him held captive for an extended period of time. Very often kidnap victims need this time to reflect on why they were kidnapped (because they’re bad) and then better themselves.
