HOLY SHIT! Hockey Playing Polar Bear Destroys Universe!

No, that title is not a random assortment of words that were chosen by thumbing through a dictionary and blindly selecting enough words to form a somewhat coherent sentence.  Those words combine to create something very, very real and very, very awesome. Just watch the video above. You’ll see.

Apparently, hockey is taken so seriously in Alaska that Alaskans are willing to summon a polar bear god from space that will destroy the entire universe just to fire up the crowd.

First up, we are welcomed in to this symphony of awesome by the song “Sirius” by the Alan Parsons Project, the song that is commonly associated with the Chicago Bulls, and even more commonly associated with badass shit that’s about to happen.  Whenever you hear “Sirius” you should always make sure that you are in full control of your bodily functions because whatever is about to happen will surely unleash all of your body’s liquids simultaneously, and with enough force to take down a structural wall. These liquids will then be replaced a substance that has no name and can only be poorly described as “God playing a solo using the collective awesomeness of the universe as his guitar.”

Then, we see a constellation that might be Ursa Major (in Latin it means “The Great Bear”) but in the end, who cares what constellation it is? The fucking thing turns in to a roaring polar bear of fury. Then, as we should have known the polar bear was going to do, it explodes and takes the entire fucking universe with it! Decimating planets with the power of a galactic polar bear.

Then, Kenny Loggins. Danger Zone. Fuck right!

This is accompanied by the universe wrecking polar bear ripping through the cosmos as blue flame rockets out of his ass! HOLY CHRIST! HE’S GOT A HOCKEY STICK!

The polar bear soars past Jupiter. There is a satellite floating near it. “FUCK THAT SATELLITE!!!” says universe crushing polar bear as he explodes it with a mighty thwack from his stick.

Then, the polar bear soars past the moon. The shear HOLYFUCKSHITAMAZINGNESS of his flight tears the moon apart! THE FUCKING MOON! IT WAS OBLITERATED BY THE SPACE POLAR BEAR! FUCK!

The bear then crash lands in downtown Anchorage, Alaska. He doesn’t just land there and make a small crater. No, no, no.  THE POLAR BEAR HITS ANCHORAGE WITH THE MIGHTY FORCE OF ALL THAT IS SPACE POLAR BEAR! Nothing is left except a massive hole and space polar bear screaming like he just defeated God in a nut-kicking contest. What does space polar bear do once in Alaska? He wrecks up on some country side. “FUCK YOUR PRISTINE FORESTS AND YOUR WILDLIFE!!” screams space polar bear. “FUCK’EM ALL!!”

He then stops his rampage at the Carlson Center in Fairbanks, Alaska where he smashes through the roof, shrinks himself, and then drops on to the hockey rink below with a mighty roar as Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” rocks your shit.

The universe destroying polar bear did all of this just to welcome the Alaska Nanooks hockey team on to the ice.

Yeah, we know what you’re thinking. You don’t even have to say it. We’ll leave that job to YouTube user “mastodon” as his comment to the creators of the video pretty much sums up anything and everything you can possibly say:

“Do you do weddings?”