Hewlett-Packard Doesn’t Care About Black People

I don’t have to tell you to fear the Great Robot Uprising that will one day see to the eradication of the human race.  You’re a smart person. You, like us, are probably already living in fear of that inevitable day. Every time your toaster springs up some warm slices of bread, you probably set off a mini-EMP blast just to make sure the damn thing isn’t trying to eat your hands with it’s convenient “bread slots.” You know better than to trust technology. Again, you’re smart.

But no amount of smarts could have prepared us for this. In all of our years of waiting, watching and theorizing, we never once could have predicted that when the machines came after us, they would have done it on the basis of race – not just the fact that we’re all fleshy meat sacks that need some killing and enslavement.

So when the machines rise and come for all people that have skin tones that are a little further down the Home Depot paint color swatch, just know that it all started with the HP MediaSmart computer — as first shown to us by Desi and White Wanda in the video above.

The computer comes packaged with fancy futuristic face recognition software built in to it that tracks your facial movements when you use the onboard webcam. If you’re Vlogging with great vigor and dramatic body movements, the facial recognition software will make the camera pan and zoom to keep your face perfectly centered within the frame. It’s pretty nifty stuff…if you’re white. If you’re, say, black, the camera performs so little movement that it might as well tell you to sit in back of the computer and that shit doesn’t even make sense, but it’s a computer and it only has a an elementary understanding of what being racist is all about.

HP has since released a statement that basically tells everyone that they weren’t actively trying to be racist; that the problem in lies with the recognition light emanating from cheek bones, noses, and eyes (we guess to quell your fears, they withheld the truth of the sentient race-hating AI behind this controversy). But regardless, it still doesn’t change that fact that we all have to now draw up some ew survival plans for the Robot Apocalypse. Well, dark-skinned people do, at least. White people can kick-back their feet and relax knowing they’ll have themselves a nice little time being pampered by the machines in Robotopia while everyone else is being tortured so the robots can then feed off the brain’s pain-induced electrical signals.