Hasselhoff Hospitalized for Alcohol Seizure, No One is Surprised

This past weekend an ambulance had to be called to the home of David Hasselhoff because the man with the talking car had some kind of spazz that the media is saying was related to his intense alcoholism.  Yes, David Hasselhoff is about as big a drunk as a drunk can get.

FunnyCrave is going to take this opportunity to not make fun of Mr. Hasselhoff for being an alcoholic, because if dude is having seizures that means he’s seriously piss tank crazy drunk and he really needs help.  We’ll make fun of him for being a horrible judge on America’s Got Talent, we’ll make fun of his entire acting career and we’ll certainly mock his singing, but not his alcoholism.  So what the hell are we writing about?  David’s people.

All celebrities have people.  No one knows who these people are, because they’re just called people, it’s very non descriptive.  Maybe they’re agents or managers or ball jugglers or ass shavers, who knows.  They’re people.  They take care of thing and, if you follow any kind of celebrity news, the one thing you know that people do is lie.  Fucking Christ do they lie.  It doesn’t even matter what the lie is covering, they just have to lie.  And the rest of the world forgives this because celebrities do that.  Every official statement Britney Spears has ever released has been a lie.  Ever notice how whenever tabloids get wind of an impending divorce, the couple in question releases a statement saying everything is fine?  And then the next week the divorce?  It’s because their people lie.

Most of these lies are meaningless.  If Britney Spears wants to pretend she never had a boob job or she didn’t go insane or her and one of her husbands weren’t having a rocky relationship, great.  You go ahead.  But David Hasslehoff’s people are assholes.

Every time Hasselhoff’s drunk ass falls face first in a bowl of chowder and he needs CPR, his people say it was exhaustion or some other line of crap.  Whitney Houston’s people said the same thing when she was strung out on crack.  You know what a drunk doesn’t need?  An actual team of people trying to convince the world they’re not drunk.  Obviously Hasslehoff has a lot of fans who are on heavy meds, that has to explain his music career, but the rest of us aren’t functionally retarded all the time.  We can see he’s loaded 9 times out of 10 when he’s in public.  You can’t hide that.  Stop pretending and get the man some friggin help so he can make a sequel to Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D already.