Happy Hanukkah!: 3 Things Non-Jews Can Do To Celebrate Hanukkah

Hanukkah is tomorrow and if you’re anything like the Funny Crave staff, you’re not Jewish. So the first day of Hanukkah isn’t so much a day of celebration as it is a Saturday – laundry day, for some.  But instead of just moping around feeling useless as the one Jewish guy you know goes out and has a blast performing ancient Hanukkah rituals like bashing the menorah-shaped piñata, and complaining about the weather’s effects on his joints; you too can have some fun on this joyous day that isn’t even that important to the Jewish people, and was only really hyped up in an effort to compete against Christianity’s hyper-popular December holiday — Christmas.

Here are some tips for making sure that all you non-Jews have yourselves a blast this Saturday…

1)      Jew yourself up a notch – Okay, so you’re not Jewish. You’re family isn’t even close to hailing from Jerusalem. In fact, you’re pretty sure you’re family comes from a small suburb of Micronesia. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be a Jew for a day! Go ahead! Eat a bagel! Toss some lox on there if you happen to figure out what “lox” even is and if it sounds like something that would interest your taste buds. Watch Woody Allen movies and pretend that making a reference to classic literature actually makes you smart. Punch a criminal, because that’s something that Jews do regularly.

2)      Grow A Wicked Awesome Beard – Hardcore Jews have facial hair that’s one sweet-ass scar away from overtaking the Biker Beard as the most badass, manliest beard in the land. Grow one. Grow four. In one day. Grow 2 on your face. One on your left shin. Another on your fist for when you have to punch people. Grow one on the small of your back that can be extended and splayed out as a signal to all Jewish women that you are not only ready to mate, but you are the Jew they should be mating with. Grow them all in one day to show how dedicated you are to the Jewish faith. Then shave them all off on Sunday because they itch like crazy.

3)       Feel the pain and suffering of an entire people in just five minutes – Not to get in to details, but the Jewish people have really been given the short end of the proverbial stick. So if you really want to know what it’s like to be Jewish, set aside a few minutes this Saturday and reflect on all the tragedy that has befallen the Israelites. Or, don’t. You’ll probably never understand it.